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So, Yesterday…

Was my 46th birthday.

I’ve been struggling quite a lot with this birthday and I’m not really sure why.

I mean, I know part of it is that I’m now officially closer to 50 than 40 and 50 seems huge.

40 wasn’t huge because I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time with the baby that would become my wonderful little boy. So I was huge, but the birthday wasn’t. 😀

me and adam today and yesterday
Adam when he was the baby on the interior and yesterday when he was the boy waiting for the school bus.


I am, for the most part, happy and content with my life. I have a husband and son whom I love. I have more creative energy than I’ve had at any point in my history. And I enjoy what I do every day.

Yes, I’m sore. A lot. My arms ache and my legs ache and I’m tired a lot of the time. Such is life with Fibromayalgia, after all.

But I’ve been spending the time leading up to yesterday trying to figure out why it seems so huge and reflecting on my life.

And I recognize that I am not where I thought I’d be by this time in my life. I thought I’d be a published writer (well, I am, but only on the ‘net) and/or a professional theatre designer or at least fairly high up in the career that I started on at Kaiser about 20 years ago.

All of which was derailed, very firmly, by my first psychotic break at 25.

But I am, as I said, happy and content.

So why is 46 so hard?

It’s not the signs of ageing. I know I don’t look 46, for one thing. And I don’t really mind the signs that do show my age; my grey hair, my laugh and frown lines and the fact that I seem to be getting my mother’s hands, but without her lovely long thin fingers. 😀

So…why is 46 so hard?!

I have no idea…


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Letter To My Son – Adam – 25 Months Old

Dear Adam

That’s right, Mummy is going to try and keep up with these. But no promises!

Today you are 25 months. You spent most of the month between 24 and 25 months ill. But Mummy went postal (sort of) at the GP and you now have been referred to ENT. So now we wait.

When Mummy says she ‘went postal’ what she means is that she was very firm as the GP once again said ‘we need to see how he is in a month or two’ Mummy pointed out that GPs have been saying that to her for about a year. So the GP looked closer at your file and counted antibiotics since January. 6. That’s about 1 a month and is many too many. So the referral was written.

You are also probably going to be referred to Allergy, once I get you in to see the head GP. He spoke to the nice Laura Lady, our Health Visitor, and agreed things seems allergy related but wants to see you himself before he’ll send a referral. Fair enough.

Your 2 year check was fine. You, of course, didn’t say a word until the very end, but you did stack blocks and engage with Laura a bit so she was satisfied. You wouldn’t step on her scale so she took Mummy’s word that you are 28 pounds and about 3 feet tall!

Major milestones this month have included drinking from an open cup: –
Look at MEEE!!!!


And climbing on playground equipment: –


Since you missed so much nursery being ill you’re having a bit of trouble at drop off but Mummy and Daddy know you’ll settle again soon. And they are moving you to toddlers! My good big boy!!

You may note that Mummy has started to call herself Mummy regularly. That’s because you *finally* call me Mummy! Not all the time. But more than you used to. And when Mummy complains that all you seem to say is Mummy Mummy Mummy all day, remind her how long she waited for you to call her anything at all.



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Today Our Family Welcomed A New Member

Simon’s sister had a baby girl just after 1330 London time by Caesarean Section. Once again she had a child who just didn’t want to vacate the premises as her due date was 10 days ago!

Everyone is fine and our new niece is gorgeous. I have already bought pink things. ::nods::

Some might be wondering how this is for me, as this baby’s older brother was born 3 weeks after Adam. It’s perfectly fine.

Simon and I are thrilled with our only child and are content that he will remain an only child. I’m 42. I have many and varied health problems and, as anyone who reads this knows, Adam was a bit of a miracle, after nearly 2 years of trying.

So Happy Birthday to my new niece. You are the best birthday present your Grandad has *ever* gotten.

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Letter To My Son – Adam – 19, er um, 20..No That’s Not Right Either…21 Months Old

Dear Adam

Um. Yeah. Mama fell behind. Nothing to say except I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better in the future.

You have done so many things in the last 3 months that I couldn’t possibly list them all. You walk. You babble constantly, maybe not in English, but Daddy and I are beginning to be able to understand you anyway.

You have also hit the ‘terrible twos’ a few months early. Your tantrums are legendary and include hitting and throwing things. Both of these things get you put right into your playpen, which you hate now. Sometimes you have to be in there so you’re out of Mama’s way and you cry the whole time. Too confining!

You’ve also been ill again.  You had a very bad D&V bug that took us to A&E and then more lung issues. Mama is 99.9% sure they are going to diagnose you with asthma soon. You’ve been nebulized twice, which you hate, and have your daily inhalers. It’s so hard for Mama and Dada when you cough so much you can’t breath and then throw up. Doesn’t seem to phase you though. You just go about your day, coughing away.

Unfortunately, your sleep has gone by the wayside. Mama is actually writing this at 0242 on a Friday night because you woke up at 0058 and haven’t been able to get back to sleep. You keep coughing as you wander around the front room, not even wanting to sit on Mama’s lap and doze. I get to wake Dada in about 3 hours and then I can get some sleep!

Last week we went to W5 at the Odyssey for the first time. You’re a bit young for it, but you liked playing with the water and a beach ball they have.  And just running around.  Dada and Mama liked it to and we’ll go back for sure.

It’s a few days later now and the actual day that you are 21 months. I’ll try to get this posted before the day is over, but I have pictures in various places I want to add and I have to find time to gather them!

You’re sleeping has gotten better over the last few nights. Mama and Dada finally broke down and bought a humidifier and it is making a world of difference in your sleep. You’ve slept through 5 of the last 6 nights. We’ve had some very early wake ups (0530 yesterday, yawn) and some trouble getting to sleep, but you’ve stayed asleep for at least 8 hours every night except one. I’ve actually had to wake you so we could get going at least twice.

Next step is to get you out of Mama and Dada’s bed and into your own where there is now a regular single bed. I’ve been planning to try to get you to nap there, but you’ve either not napped or fallen asleep in your pram ever since the bed was set up, so far no go! I am hoping to have you in your own room, in your own bed, by the time you are two!

Our other challenge is teeth! You have 4 more front ones making an appearance and then your first molars should be coming soon. The four front ones don’t seem to be hurting, but you are drooling enough to start an ocean!

Mama was beginning to worry about your lack of actual words but then she realized that while you may not speak English, you sure as heck understand it! And apparently that’s the important thing at this point of your life. You can follow simple directions, such as ‘please bring me your bottle’ and the like.  You are also beginning to be able to dress yourself, with some help. Stepping in and out of trousers is getting easier every day. Not some much taking off and putting on shirts!

And then today, for the very first time, in response to Mama saying ‘no, we’re not going up the stairs again, we need to get to the shopping’ you turned around and walked up the City Hall steps all by yourself:

And so you’re off. All by yourself.



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Letter to My Son – Adam – 17 18 Months

Dear Adam

Yeah.  Okay.  So today as I start to write this you are 17.5 months.  Mummy’s late again.  She’s sorry.

And by the time I got back to it, you were nearly 18 months.  As of, well, tomorrow.  Sorry again.

Why is she late?  No time again.  You’ve been ill, again.  You’ve pretty much been ill for 6 months.  No wonder you’re sleeping like crap.  I doubt you even know what feeling well is like.  Poor wee boy.  Right now as I type this you’ve got a double ear infection and a red throat.  Oh how you hate having your throat looked at.

Now you  have inhalers which you hate.  And had to use a nebulizer at the GP’s.  Which you despised.  It’s not been a great month for you.

Although lot’s of good stuff has happened.  You’ve definitely found your feet.  You now own a pair of proper shoes.  You’re attending daycare a full day and half day a week.  You’re adding to your vocabulary.

Adam at Clarks

You and mummy go for walks at City Hall:

Adam takes a walk

You’re thinking about climbing up on things.  In fact Daddy said you actually tried to get up on Mama and Dada’s bed yesterday, but couldn’t quite figure it out.  I keep recommending you get up on a sofa, because they are lower, but you seem to really want to be on the bed!

Which reminds me of watching your cousin, I think it was Sara, leaping up and grabbing the sheets on her Mama and Dada’s bed, to pull herself up.  You should try that.

You are getting very good at asking for what you want, by pointing.  And you have about 6 words.

Mama is going to measure you tomorrow but she knows you weigh 26 pounds as of last week.  And your belly is disappearing so your trousers don’t stay up!  You are beginning to be shaped in a cross between your Uncle Jeff and your Dada when they were your age.  Tall and skinny, with all your height in your torso.  Makes it very hard to buy you clothes when you are 2T from the waist up and 18 months from the waist down!

And it’s nearly Christmas.  Granny Grace and Grandpa Tom will be here for that.  And then 2 weeks later Grandma and Pops with the dark hair will be here to see you.  We are not letting Grandma out of our sight this time, no side trips to London to get ill!

So it’s been a busy, if not well, time my small boy.

And Mama had better post this before you wake up from your nap.  Or you may be 19 months before she does…



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Letter to My Son – Adam – 16 Months Old

Dear Adam

Yes.  This is late this month.  By quite a few days.

Why?  2 reasons: –

  1. Mama has been very busy with you and work and the house and things; and
  2. Mama feels like she’s been rushing these in order to get them up on your day, rather than take her time and really write what she wants to write.

So this month, she is taking her time.  And it will be late.  I’m sure you’ll forgive me. 🙂

You have changed so much in the past month.  You’ve gone from being my baby to being my toddler.  You walk.  You ‘tell stories’ in babble speech.  You play games with your toys.  You have tantrums.


Right now, as I write this, you are playing on the floor in front of the computer.  You’ve been entertaining yourself for about 15 minutes, tapping a bit of plastic on various things and listening to how they sound.  You did the floor, the window and the coffee table.  3 taps and move on.  Very scientific!

You have become very stubborn.  Mama and Dada are trying to get you to drink milk out of a sippy cup, rather than a bottle.  Water you drink no problem and, in fact, seem to like drinking that way.  But milk?  Not happening.  Even if it is time for milk, such as mid afternoon, and you are wanting it very very badly, you will not drink it out of a sippy cup.  You’d rather skip your milk (which you love) than drink out of that evil evil cup.  Mama will win this battle.  It’s just a matter of when!

Your sleep is still not great.  Napping practically doesn’t happen at all, unless you fall asleep in your stroller and stay that way once we’re home or if Mama or Dada has time for you to sleep in their arms.  Daycare says you fall asleep in a bouncy chair for them, but Mama has tried and it’s not worked.

Nights are slowly getting back to normal.  You settle much easier most nights than you have been.  Unfortunately you haven’t been sleeping through.  You wake somewhere between 10 and 4 and will not go back to sleep unless Dada or I bring you into bed with us.  This is fine for getting more sleep for all but certainly not ideal.

Speaking of daycare, you are thriving there, finally.  Just as Mama was thinking about pulling you out you started to enjoy it.  Now you cry only when Mama comes to get you.  We aren’t sure if it’s because you missed her or because you’re disappointed you have to stop playing! In fact, starting in November you will be going all day on Monday’s!

Mama, you see, has picked up another client and really needs a bit more time to get everything done. So Dada and I talked about it and decided one full day and one half day a week would be ideal.  And so it shall be.

This month you had your first haircut.

Adam's first haircut at 15 months

And did I mention the walking?

You’re getting better at it every day.  It really is amazing to watch.  Mama thinks there will be running before too long.

And then she’ll have to remember these wise words:

“Small boys are like dogs.  They need one good run every day.”



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Letter To My Son – Adam – 15 Months Old

Dear Adam

Yes, yes, Mama is late with this newsletter this month.  Why?  Well, gee maybe because a certain young man has been sick with one thing or another for pretty much 3 months.  And the last 2 weeks have been the worse.  Even worse than the chicken pox.

Since May you have had:

  • Chicken  Pox
  • Surgery
  • Ear Infection
  • Ear and chest infection
  • ear and chest infection
  • viral infection with a highish fever

Mama and Dada are exhausted, as are you, since you can’t seem to sleep through the night right now.  Mama thinks you fall asleep fine and then your nose gets stuffed up and you just can’t clear it, so you wake up and cry and can’t resettle yourself.  Mama has been cursing the people who took Medised off the market for under 8s.  Not because it was deemed dangerous for younger kids, but because parents were abusing it, giving it to well babies just so they’d sleep.

So there is nothing Mama can give you to dry up your nose.  Nothing but essential oils and other crap that just isn’t working.

This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.

So, what have you been up to this month? Well, you surprised Dada and Mama when you picked up your comb and combed your hair! And, in even bigger news, you are now sleeping in PJs and a duvet rather than a sleeping bag.  You managed to kick  your way out of your sleeping bag twice, so Mama changed you.  You having been sleeping a bit better since then.  Not a whole lot. But a bit!

Your teeth are coming in in droves, although only on the top. Mama thinks she sees one poking through on the bottom, but she isn’t sure!

Your walking is coming along slowly, but surely.  And you actually, finally settled into daycare.  And then you missed two weeks being sick.  You’re going back tomorrow, though.

You can point to your nose and your belly.  And say Mama.  When you feel like it!

Mostly you’re just getting taller and bigger a little bit every day.

And Mama loves you more and more every day.



PS No pictures this month because I haven’t had time to download them from the camera.  Maybe I’ll add them later!!!

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Letter To My Husband – Simon – 6 Years On

Dear Simon

6 years ago today, at 10am on a Sunny Saturday morning, you stood waiting for me in the wedding room at City Hall.  About 30 minutes later we heard ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.

Since then we’ve been through a lot.  Uncertainty about your job.  My health problems, mental and physical.  Bugs invading our flat.  Moving to our new, wonderful flat.  And, of course, Adam’s birth.

And through it all, you’ve been my rock.  As I’ve been diagnosed with Diabetes.  And Fibromyalgia.  And all my mental health issues.  Really, you probably should have turned me in on a healthier model.  But you haven’t.  And I know you won’t.

Every day I love you more and more.



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Letter To My Son – Adam – 14 Months Old

Dear Adam

14 months and lots has been happening!

Right now you have an ear and chest infection and are on antibiotics.  Luckily you take medicine very well.

You are getting into things more and more, keeping Mama and Dada hopping: –

My first attempt at dress up was less than successful

You’ve got a new pushchair, to save Mama some energy as we go up the hill to daycare.  You seem to like it very much, as you sort of lounge in it.

But mostly you’re becoming a toddler.  Insisting on doing things yourself.  Not wanting to waste time with nappy changes.  Hating to sit on some one’s lap for long periods (unless you’re very sleepy).  You want to be out and about and doing doing doing.  You want to be walking, but aren’t quite sure how that works yet beyond a step or two (unless holding on!).  Mama can just tell that as soon as you figure it out? You’ll go straight to running.

Although you’ve never crawled on hands and knees, you have no problem getting around:

You’ve also started to eat exactly what Mama and Dada eat, or you won’t eat at all.  The other night we had a curry and started to give you something out of a jar.  You refused to eat it, peering interestingly at Mama’s plate.  So she gave you a small piece of Chicken Tikka.  And some Na’an.  Chapati?  Pilau Rice?  Ate.It.All.

You’ve now had stuffed cod, salmon in garlic and soy, lamb stew, beef stew, pickles, chips and one small piece of corn crisp.  You wanted more of the last but Mama had a fear of you choking on it. 🙂

Unfortunately, you are having a tough time settling into daycare.  You cry when Mama or Dada leave you, although they say you do play a bit and seem to be getting better, there is still some crying off and on.  It probably won’t help that you’ve missed a few days due to being ill this month, but we’ll start again next week.

You’ve also got 2 new teeth poking through.  Upper right and left, one over from your incisor.  So you’ll have a gap.  And nothing to chew against, as you still only have the two front on the bottom!

The biggest news of all?  And the reason Mama is actually glad this is a day late?  Because today, this morning, for the first.time.ever?  You looked right at me and said Mama.

I love you