I can’t link to it, because of The Times paywall, but Melanie Reid’s Spinal Column in today’s Times Magazine really hit home.

Her bio from the magazine says “Times columnist Melanie Reid broker her neck and back last year. Now back home after 12 months’ rehab in hospital, this week she reflects on her changing role as wife and mother.”

She currently can’t walk and can barely use her arms. She is trying very hard to walk again. But the thing that frustrates her the most? The loss of her hands. She says “I can cope with being in a wheelchair; what cripples me is my numb, clawed fingers.”

Oh yes. That is what scares me. That the arthritis in my hands will become so bad that I won’t be able to use them. Won’t be able to type or write or, some day, drive again.

Melanie’s son is in University, but she still laments that she can’t help him as she used to. He rings, during exams, looking for help with a headache and a lack of food. And instead of being able to jump in her car and bring him migraleave and some food, she talks to him on the phone.

My son still needs nappies changed and picking up and helping with getting dressed. Some of those things will pass soon, but some will go on for years yet. What if my hands stop me from doing them? I already can’t play with him as much as I would like as I can’t sit on the floor for long because of my legs. How much more will I have to hand over to someone else if I lose my hands as well?

I already get frustrated with opening packets, jars, sometimes even the milk jug as my fingers refused to grip them hard enough to turn. I have items that help, rubber mats and things, but sometimes stubborn me would rather keep trying, to deny that I can’t do it, then spend the minute to dig them out of their drawer.

And, of course, I have Simon. Who always comes right to me if I say ‘Can you open the milk, my hands are quite bad today.’ But I hate having to ask.

And, let’s not forget, I am a graphic artist. Yes, I use a mouse not a pen and paper, but what if I lose even that ability? Terry Pratchett, world famous Disc World author, turned to voice recognition software when he began to show signs of Alzheimer’s disease, including some neurological issues with his hands. I don’t think the same would work for a graphics. How to you speak your graphic thoughts out loud?

So it worries me. The possible loss of my hands.

But, like so many things in my life, there is nothing I can do about it. If they stop working, I’ll cope. I’ll cope as I always do.

But I’ll hate every minute of it.