Category Archives: daily

Diabetes…Anxiety Disorder…Borderline Agoraphobia…And Now…

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Some of you might remember that about 2 years ago now I started have trouble sleeping.  As in waking up for the day at 4am.  No matter what time I went to bed.

After a few months of various sleeping pills didn’t work, I was sent to the rheumatoid clinic.  I was tested for every known type of arthritis.  I had x-rays.  It was determined that I have early degenerative disease in my left knee and hip.

And then I got pregnant.  And any possible proof that I might have what they thought I had (fibromyalgia) went out the window as who can tell if you’re not sleeping and you hurt all over because of fibro or because of the big belly and kicking baby?  So we agreed to postpone diagnosis until after the baby was born.

Yesterday was that diagnosis appointment.  I have fibro.

So what makes today different from yesterday?  Today my aches, pains and exhaustion have a name beyond ‘you have a 4 month old son’.  The occasional weakness in my right hand has a cause.

Of course there is no cure for fibro. In the UK there isn’t even an approved drug for treatment.  In fact when I mentioned to the doctor I saw yesterday that my mom has fibro and she takes some sort of medicine for it, he actually rolled his eyes and said ‘there is no drug that treats fibro.’  I raised my eyebrows at him, but let it drop.

The treatment is what I already do; ibuprofen/paracetamol, gentle exercise and plenty of rest.  I can do all but the last. See aforementioned 4 month old son!

So I’ll keep popping ibuprofen at night and in the morning.  I’ll keep taking walks with the pram.  I’ll keep doing yoga.

And until the landlord finally gets the plumber here to sort it, I’ll keep yelling for Simon to turn on the cold tap in the kitchen on days my hands are too weak to manage it.

And avoid doing the washing up when he isn’t home…

Yikes, Its Been Nearly A Week Since I updated!

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Sorry about that my (all of 10 or so) faithful readers!

No reason except for a baby who will not nap most days.  Who has been very cranky this week (we think its his teeth) and just general not much to say.

I am, of course, working on a newsletter for Adam’s 4th month.  So there will definitely be an update on him in 3 days!!

Although Today Was Incredibly Hard and I am Exhausted

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it is days like today that make me grateful for 1 year of Maternity Leave.  In the States I am pretty sure I’d be back to work already.

Today was a day with an upset baby all day.  He was beyond cranky.  He was screaming crying off and on all day.

And all I could think was, God, what if he was with a babysitter or at a childminder?  Not only would they not have the time to sit on the sofa all afternoon and hold him, they wouldn’t have the patience.  Or the love.  Its something only a mummy would do.

Because that’s what I did.  I sat on the sofa all day, gazing at the internet and playing a game so my son could sleep in spurts between crying his eyes out.  He wasn’t hungry.  He was dry.  He was obviously a bit tired, since he kept falling asleep.  But mostly he was just being a baby.

I, of course, had to leave him to cry on occasion.  I needed the loo.  I needed to eat lunch.  I needed a break.  But mostly I sat here all day with my son in my arms, being miserable.

And when Simon I got home, he took over.  Adam ate a bit more for his Daddy, but not a lot.  And he had more moments of laughter.  But not many.  Daddy mostly did all evening what I did all day, hold on tight to a baby that was miserable for no discernible reason.

He might be teething, as his pacifier seemed to help.  I looked but I don’t see any teethy pegs yet.

And he went to bed for the night at the same time as he usually does.

So we’ll see what kind of night we have.

And tomorrow is another day.

The Saga Of The Lump…

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So, when Adam fell out of my arms at 3 weeks old one of the things that he had, along with his cracked skull and broken rib, was a little lump on his side, under his left arm.  We were told it was a sub-dermal haematoma caused by his rib bleeding when it broke and that it would go away on its own.

Instead, it started to grow.  It started out about a centimetre across and a centimetre high.  By the time he had his follow up with the Paediatrician who treated him when he fell, it had about doubled in size.  We were still told not to worry about it.

Well, at his first well baby and jabs check up 4 weeks ago, it was doubled in size again.  And the GP was concerned.  However, since it didn’t bother him, the GP decided to wait until his next set of jabs, which were this past week.  And it was even bigger.  And we were sent over to the A&E department at Children’s Hospital to have an ultrasound and get it checked out.

After 4 hours, lots of poking and an ultrasound, we found out it measures 5cm across.  And it has blood flow.  And some cyst bits.  And they have no idea what this thing is on my son’s side.

So the next step is an MRI. Now, I’ve had an MRI, they don’t hurt, its completely un-invasive.  However, Adam is a baby.  You can’t just ask him to lie still for an hour while they scan him.  So they are going to have to put him under a General Anaesthetic.  With its usual dangers.  Neither Simon or I are pleased about this, but I really want to know what the heck this thing is on my son’s side.

The part that really worries the two of us, though, is what are they going to do about it, once they do know what it is? Is my little guy going to need an operation? Are they just going to leave it alone and keep checking it?  Or what?

And we won’t know that until after the MRI.  So we wait.  Hopefully not more than about a month.

But its the NHS…so who knows for sure?

Its Been A Hell Of A Week

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Starting with Simon getting home late on Monday, seguing into spending Tuesday afternoon with Adam in the A&E about the lump on his side (more on that in another post), winding up with Adam having two off days in a row due to his getting his next set of injections.

All three of us were in bed by 10 last night.

I think its going to be a quiet weekend.

I May Have Ranted About This Before

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but I am going to rant about it again!

I take two meds for my mental health issues; Xanax, for anxiety and Trazodone for depression.

Each of these meds has been mentioned on TV shows I watch.  And misrepresented.

Trazodone was mentioned on NCIS once.  Abbey claimed that someone on it would be so knocked out by it there was no way they could have killed themselves.  Not necessarily true.  Yes, it makes you sleepy.  But I take it every night, granted at a low dose for the moment, and still wake up fully as soon as my little man needs me.  Perhaps at massive doses you’d be completely knocked out.  But I used to take a much larger dose and it still didn’t make me incoherent when woken up from it.

Xanax was mentioned on West Wing.  Abbey (heh, both characters are named Abbey.  I just realized this!) takes a Xanax in front of Leo.  Leo gives her a lecture on addiction and meds, comparing Xanax to Valium.  Um, not the same thing.  At all.  Yes, Xanax is addictive.  Yes, you have to wean yourself off it. No, it will not put you into rehab.  You see, with Valium, you have to keep upping the dose to get the same effect.  This is not true with Xanax.  When you find what dose works for you, you can stay at the dose forever and it will continue to work for you.  And as Abbey was taking it as needed (a very common occurrence with Xanax) she probably never took more than .25mg. A teeny tiny dosage.

So, listen up TV people.  Maybe it makes better drama to give NCIS a reason to suspect suicide was actually murder and to make it seem like the First Lady was going to be a drug addict.  But it does nothing for the image of mental illness.

The key word there, you see, is illness.  It is an illness. Whether anxiety, depression, MPD, schizophrenia or what have you.  The person is ill.  My mental illness is just as much a treatable illness as my diabetes.

And I work hard to treat both of them.

My Day Off

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So yesterday, for the first time since Adam was born, I took myself shopping by myself for more than an hour in a row.

I left the flat at 11.  I bought a few necessary things at Boots.  And then I went shopping!

I wandered through Marks & Spencer’s with no one looking bored or getting whiny.

I wandered through all of Victoria Square Shopping Centre, including a stop for a long leisurely lunch and a stop in all the women’s departments at House of Fraser.

I spent 30 minutes choosing new notebooks at Paperchase.  30 minutes! And no one sighed at me!!

Then I went on a bra and knicker shopping spree at Debenhem’s.  None of my pre-pregnancy undies fit and I am sick and tired of shapeless already worn out maternity bras.  Just cuz I’m a mummy doesn’t mean I can’t have nice undies!

So it was a lovely day.  All to myself.

Man did I miss my little man!!!

Letter To My Son – Adam – 3 Months Old

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Dear Adam

Today you are 3 months old.  And what a 3 months its been!

Month 1 – spent most of it in hospital between SCBU after birth and dropped at 3 weeks.

Month 2 – started developing like gang busters, between major head lifting and becoming Mr Smiley.

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And now, here we are at month 3.

What have Daddy and I learned about you this month?

  1. You don’t mind a bit of poo in your nappy but a wet one must be changed at once.
  2. You love sitting up against the back of the sofa, especially next to your Daddy.

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  3. You ‘talk’ in your sleep.
  4. If you are crying, something is really wrong.
  5. You have learned how to pout out your bottom lip.
  6. You really mean it if you push your bottle away.  You are done!
  7. You can sleep through most of the night, but sometimes you just don’t want to.
  8. You have started to have real afternoon naps, in your cot, rather than in your pram.
  9. You can use your legs to push yourself up.

  10. The TV has become something you can at least see colours on and will stare at it even when its off.  This is why Mummy and Daddy have repositioned your chair so you can’t see it at all!

You had your first set of jabs this month.  It wasn’t too bad.  Just some tears, which dried up with a snuggle and a bottle.

At last measure you weighed 14 pounds and were 24 inches long.  You are definitely taking after your 6’2″ Daddy and not your 5’2″ Mummy!  Although, right now, compared to Daddy? You are still very very small.

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Can’t wait to see what month four brings!

Love

Mummy

So Today, I Was Waiting For the Lift

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in Marks & Spencer’s.  I had been picking up some lovely mushrooms for my mushroom and mustard pasta.  M&S is pricier than Tesco, but their mushrooms are much better.

In any event, as I was waiting there, with the pram, Adam contently asleep wrapped in his favourite blue blanket and I could see my reflection in the sign they have hanging there.  The sign tells  you what items are on what floor.  Our M&S has 4 floors, by the way.  Basement is where I was, where the food is.

Anyway, the sign is reflective and I could see myself.  As the lift was taking ages to get to the basement, I had a bit of time to look.  So first I looked at my clothes.  Little black ballet flats from Next, blue jeans from New Look, cheap Henley type long sleeved cream coloured pull over from Primark.   Hair barely brushed.  No make up.

Okay, so maybe I wasn’t the height of fashion.  Okay, maybe I should have brushed my hair a bit better before heading out.

But how do I think I looked?

The most contented and stress free that I have looked in years.

I wasn’t even impatient for the lift to arrive.  I didn’t even care that my hair was sticking straight up in parts, or that I really need another cut.

I was just enjoying being in M&S.  With  my lovely mushrooms.  And my lovelier son.  Heading home for lunch.  And a nap (for Adam, not me).

I never know, these days, what my day will bring.  Will I make it out of the house by 10, as planned?  Or will it be like today, when Adam was hungry, then not hungry, then wanted a sleep while I showered.  Then a bit hungry again.  That led to me not leaving until about 10:45.

And I didn’t care. Me, who hates missing a deadline.  Who hates running late.  Who hates not knowing what is going to happen next.

Is living a more or less schedule free life.

And loving it.

So, I Have A Dilemma

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I have recently realized that I have not bought any clothes that were not work related in about, oh 5 years.  I mean, I own jeans and leggings and things like that, but I don’t really own casual tops, sweaters, jumpers etc.  On weekends when I worked I would just wear a pair of jeans and one of my work tops.

And I have also realized that I have no idea what ‘style’ I am, as a stay at home mum. I am still not sure if this will be my permanent state, but it is certainly my state until the end of next May.  That’s a long time to have nothing to wear.

I know I want easy.  Easy clean.  Easy wear.  No ironing.

I know I want colour.  My days of wearing all black are past.  Well, except for professionally.   Nothing like 10 pairs of black trousers to get you through the work week! 🙂

I am actually contemplating picking up a fashion magazine.  Or making an appointment with a style consultant.

Or maybe, I’ll just have my day at the shops that Simon and I have been discussing.  One entire day all on my own to poke and try on and try to figure out what direction I shall go.

In my new career.

As a stay at home mum.