Category Archives: daily

Depression and Guilt

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The biggest problem, for me, with my depression, is the guilt I start to feel as I start to come out of the black place.

Guilt that my flat is a mess. Guilt that my Admin Team at work has got to be covering for me. Guilt for lying to my parents and saying I was fine, when I was not.

That last one, lying to my parents guilt, is probably the least guilt laden. Not that I enjoy lying to my parents, I don’t, I never have. I have usually told them everything. But I get tired. I get tired of my dad saying ‘how are you really?’ Really? I’m pretty crappy thanks for asking. I also get tired of talking about how I feel. Are you down? Anxious? Happy? Sad? All of the above?

Its exhausting. I know they ask because they care, but it is still exhausting. I have to repeat myself over and over, first telling my mom, and then my dad, how I am really. They’re divorced, so its not like I can say “And now you tell Dad, Mom.” Cuz he isn’t standing there next to her. He’s about 600 miles away!

As for my Admin Team, I think that carries the most guilt. I know they are my friends and are mostly concerned for me, but I know how aggravated I get when one of them is out for a few days and I have to cover for them. I do it, of course, that’s part of being a team, but I bitch about it. I can’t imagine how much they are annoyed at me at the moment. But its probably a lot. And I don’t blame them.

Without me there, some one is covering the CEO. That can be a full time job, depending on what is going on at the moment. I manage to cover him and the DF&A and the DCRE&F when I am there, but its always a juggling act. The answer to the question ‘Robyn, are you busy?’ is ‘I’m always busy, what do you need?’

As for the messy flat?  Its actually not that messy.  Simon and I have a good system for splitting up chores and at least his are getting done!  Mine will get done over the next few days, including the last two book shelves put together and the books unpacked.

But I still feel guilty.

Depression and Having a Baby

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So I’ve been struggling again. Badly. I haven’t been to work since week before last.

I have mentioned previously that Simon and I are trying to have a baby. We made the decision last night to forget that in order for me to be on meds and living normally.

Then I saw my GP today. She disagrees with this. She thinks I can control the depression and have a baby. I am back on prozac (first med I ever took for this!) for at least the next month, so conception is on hold for at least that long, as prozac + baby = bad bad baby.

It has been a really tough couple of days. Tears, personal recriminations, guilt, etc etc etc. Simon has been, as always, a rock. Saying over and over again, “I want you to be well. It is the most important thing.”

And I know, intellectually, that he is right.  That is the most important thing.  But I so badly want a baby.  And to be healthy.

I hope I can truly have both.

Okay, Before One More Person Asks Me…

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Yes, I have to fill out a US Tax Return.  No, I do not have to pay any US Taxes.  I do not make enough money, thank god.

I basically have to fill out this one form that says ‘this is how much I make a year in US Dollars, based on an average of the exchange rate over the last 12 months.’  Then I have to fill out another part of that form that says ‘this is how many days I was in the US on business last year.’  Then I have to fill out a 1040 (not a 1040a, an actual full 1040) with nothing but zeros, sign it, send it to the States and VIOLA, done for another year.

My deadline is the same as everyone else’s, April 15.  I will be filling out all of those zeros this week (it takes about 10 minutes) and getting it into the post.  Has to be postmarked April 15.  Doesn’t have to be there by then.

Apparently if I ever *do* make enough money here to need to pay taxes there, I will need to higher an expert on this sort of thing because apparently it is very complicated.  As of right now, I send what I think is the right form to my US accountant, who I, very sweetly, call ‘daddy’, via email and he looks it over and says ‘yup, that’s it’ or ‘nope, try this one’.

I think I will link back to this post every year.  That way I never have to answer this question again.  Right?

Well, I’ve Been Trying to Update

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But we’ve been having technical problems all weekend with the ‘net.  Some sites were available, some were not.  This one was not.

It was some weird Virgin Media thing.  Their ‘engineers were working on the problem’ all freakin’ weekend.

So I spent the weekend putting together flat pack furniture.  Still have two bookcases to go.  But the wall unit in the front room is done.  And half empty.  I need to go buy some more stuff. 😉

Nothing much else to write about.  Been a quiet couple of days.

So I Was Out Shopping Yesterday

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Since I took yesterday and today off.  Yesterday was so I could wait for our landlord to do their quarterly ‘inspection.’  Basically I stood there while some chick from their office wandered around.  We have no idea exactly what they were looking for.  But I guess we passed.

So then I went shopping.  I popped over and picked up the two pairs of boots I just had resoled.  They both now look brand new.  Then I wandered through House of Fraser.  Always up for a little retail therapy, I wandered into their lingerie section.  They have some beautiful things.  Only I didn’t buy any of them.  Why? Because I cannot bring myself to spend £50 on just a bra, when I can get basically the same bra and matching  pants for about £32 at Marks and Spencer.  Just crazy prices.

So I left House of Big Spending and went over to M&S.  And got two sets for…£32.  I really can’t see House of Fraser making it in this town.

Today I had to stay home and wait for our Argos delivery.  Which has now arrived.  Four more bookcases and 3 cubes.  The cubes go together to make a display/storage cabinet for the dining area of the front room.  And with four bookcases, Simon and I will actually have room for not only the books we own, but more books to buy!

So, the hope is to have everything but together and then filled with stuff by Sunday night.  And then, finally, we’ll be unpacked.

Who wants to come to the house warming party?

Well, I Wouldn’t Call it Bad Customer Service

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But it sure is annoying.

You see, we have several bookcases and a display case being delivered tomorrow by Argos.  Between 7am and 6pm.  So I called to see if I could get a smaller delivery window.  Say, 7 – 12 or something.  Nope, can’t be done.  They have no way of knowing what time the things will be delivered.

I wouldn’t exactly call this *bad* customer service.  But it certainly isn’t good customer service.

How hard could it be to give me a smaller window? They must know, at this point on the day before, what else is scheduled for delivery in Belfast tomorrow.  So why can’t they narrow it down for me?

When we purchased our washer/dryer, I was given about the same delivery time. But I was also given a number to call the day before to get it narrowed down.  So Curry’s for the win on that one.

I am going to be home all day, regardless.  But now I won’t be able to do *anything* without worrying about missing the delivery.  Not even pee.  So thank god for cordless phones, I guess.

But, really, Argos, you should try and narrow it down for people.  It would be very helpful.

So…

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I have fallen, hard, for the XBox 360 Simon received for his birthday.

You see, it has arcade games on it.  Feeding Frenzy is the current addiction.

Simon and I have never fought over one of his consoles before.  But this one calls to me. It is so.much.fun.

We don’t actually fight over it.  I say ‘Let me play!’  and he does.  Sometimes.

And yes, that means we now have 6 games consoles in our house: Xbox, XBox 360, PS2, PSP and 2 DS Lites.  Us? Play games? NEVER!

The Schizophrenic Lift

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So, the lift in our building has mental issues.

It has one of those mechanical voices to tell you what floor you are on.  No problem, right? Wrong.

The day we moved in it called our floor, the 6th, the 2nd Sub-Basement.  There isn’t even one sub-basement in our building, never mind two.

Then, on occasion, it announces the third floor, as you ride past it.  Not when stopping at it, just to note that it is there, I guess.

Oh, and it always says going down.  Even when you are at the basement.

I really hope there are no sight impaired people in our building.  Cuz they would never get the right floor.

Things I Don’t Like About the New Flat…

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Nothing is perfect, right? So what don’t I like about our new flat?

The bathroom floor in the ensuite is blue. So no matter how often I mop/sweep it, it never looks clean to me. One dropped spot of water (and really, how do you get out of the shower and not drip water on the floor?) and you can see it against the blue after it dries.

Our kitchen sink is even shallower than the old one. I didn’t think that was even possible. It is a bit wider, but not deep enough at all.

On the one hand I adore our bare floors. I have always liked the hardwood floor look. But it needs constant attention, whether sweeping or hoovering. That I don’t like.

The land lord keeps forgetting to notify us about the change of the code on the front entrance door. Haven’t gotten one yet for tomorrow. Should be fun getting into the building tomorrow.

Black kitchen floor. See blue bathroom floor above.

So, overall I adore this place. Its just little things that get to me.

Things I’ve Found Amusing Lately…

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1.) Our Easter Leg of Lamb said that it would feed 131 people and to cook it for 6 – 10 minutes. Yup, labels backwards.

2.) Simon’s ‘invite a friend’ vouchers for Love Film were addressed to him on the envelope, but to some woman named Kristen in the letter. Can you tell they don’t use humans to stuff envelopes?

3.) Conversation with Simon as we walk down the street: –

Simon: Was that thunder?
Robyn: No, an airplane. There is no hot front to hit the cold front to make the thunder and lightening.
Simon: Very very frightening.
Robyn: Oh Galileo.

4.) Someone hung the ‘This building protected by CCTV’ sign in our lobby up side down.