The biggest problem, for me, with my depression, is the guilt I start to feel as I start to come out of the black place.
Guilt that my flat is a mess. Guilt that my Admin Team at work has got to be covering for me. Guilt for lying to my parents and saying I was fine, when I was not.
That last one, lying to my parents guilt, is probably the least guilt laden. Not that I enjoy lying to my parents, I don’t, I never have. I have usually told them everything. But I get tired. I get tired of my dad saying ‘how are you really?’ Really? I’m pretty crappy thanks for asking. I also get tired of talking about how I feel. Are you down? Anxious? Happy? Sad? All of the above?
Its exhausting. I know they ask because they care, but it is still exhausting. I have to repeat myself over and over, first telling my mom, and then my dad, how I am really. They’re divorced, so its not like I can say “And now you tell Dad, Mom.” Cuz he isn’t standing there next to her. He’s about 600 miles away!
As for my Admin Team, I think that carries the most guilt. I know they are my friends and are mostly concerned for me, but I know how aggravated I get when one of them is out for a few days and I have to cover for them. I do it, of course, that’s part of being a team, but I bitch about it. I can’t imagine how much they are annoyed at me at the moment. But its probably a lot. And I don’t blame them.
Without me there, some one is covering the CEO. That can be a full time job, depending on what is going on at the moment. I manage to cover him and the DF&A and the DCRE&F when I am there, but its always a juggling act. The answer to the question ‘Robyn, are you busy?’ is ‘I’m always busy, what do you need?’
As for the messy flat? Its actually not that messy. Simon and I have a good system for splitting up chores and at least his are getting done! Mine will get done over the next few days, including the last two book shelves put together and the books unpacked.
But I still feel guilty.