Going To Try and Leave the Flat Today

First time in nearly a week.  Simon and I are going to go here. And do the regular Saturday shopping.

Tomorrow we are going to go see Quatum of Solace (I will *never* understand that name).  And then out to dinner at Chilis, which has just opened in Victoria Square, although their UK website seems to be redirecting to the US one.  It will be nice to eat at an American restaurant.

Still feeling horrible, but at least I won’t have to really talk to people.  Simon can do that part for me.

So Frustrated

So one of the things I have to do, because I’m on insulin and its new to me, is call the Diabetes Clinic every day to go over my numbers with them.

And we can’t seem to get my levels where they want them.  They are much better than they were, but my fasting numbers are still too high.  It is very frustrating.  I know I am eating what I am suppose to eat, i.e. within my carb range, but my insulin resistance seems to be increasing.

That isn’t unusual for a Diabetic Mommy to have this problem.  But its just one more thing to worry about.

I’m also a little worried because I am not gaining any weight.  Now there’s a worry I never thought I’d have!  I know part of it is that I was overweight to begin with and with my strict diet I am eating better than I ever have, but it is still a worry.  All the books say not to sweat it, that many women don’t gain weight their first trimester, but its just another thing to worry about.

So today’s key words are worried and depressed.  Maybe I should go take a bath.

Man, this mommy stuff is hard!  But, I am sure, will all be worth it in the end.

Last Night I Had My First Real Hypo

i.e. low blood glucose.  I went to bed with it at 6.5 woke up two hours later, heart palpatations, feeling dizzy and sweating at a level of 3.2.  Simon was still awake so I went into the front room and he helped me drink some juice and eat some pretzels.  Yeah, was not fun.

Still feeling very flat and empty.  Haven’t been to work in quite awhile.  Don’t know when I am going back.  Just basically sitting in the flat and playing online and playing video games.

I do manage to cook dinner every night and keep myself clean, so it could be much much worse.  Not really sure what my doctor will be able to do.  Hopefully in 3 weeks I’ll feel fine, as antenatal depression seems to be a first trimester thing.  Nearly through that!

9 Weeks Today…

So the blob is nearly 2cm and has hands and feet.  And eyelids!

Unfortunately, mommy has antenatal depression.  As you all know, I am a depressive anyway, and all these hormones are making me very depressed.  Can’t see my doctor until next week, so I’m trying to muddle through, but it is very hard.

This is what worries me the most about having this baby.  Becoming completely non-functional at some point.  I know it is actually a silly worry as I have never been so depressed that I didn’t at least eat and bathe myself, so I imagine I will be the same with a baby.  And I am hardly alone in this.  Simon is always wonderful when I am depressed.

But it is a worry.  And I know it is one my family shares.

We shall just have to wait and see how it works out.

Had a Very Productive Day ™

Simon dusted and hoovered the front room (he even took the glass parts out of the coffee table and cleaned them!) while I sorted laundry and cleaned the bathrooms.

Last thing to do tonight is change our sheets and put up clean towels.  I do love a clean flat!

To answer Hazel’s question, just bought some books and groceries yesterday, so nothing too exciting!  Well, Neil Gaiman’s new book, I guess that’s a bit exciting!

Still feeling a bit blah, but hopefully will up for work tomorrow.  If not, it is off to the doctor for sure.

Thanks Hazel!

For saying that you missed me.  Even little things like that help.

Saw the neurologist today.  Nothing wrong with my brain.  I am just a person who gets headaches.  He didn’t want to give any meds since we are trying to conceive.  So I just get to be headachy.  All the figgin’ time.

I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I am really not.  Took all my energy and willpower to make it to the doctor today.  If I am not feeling better by Monday, I will call my doctor and go see her.

No big plans for the weekend, although I’d like to see if we can get the flat clean.  It really needs it.

I know its been awhile

But I’ve been in that place.  That dark scary can’t think, can’t sleep, sleep too much, don’t eat, eat too much, don’t talk, won’t look at my husband, don’t look at anyone, get back to flat as soon as possible, don’t speak, don’t think place.

Until yesterday I hadn’t left my flat since the Friday before.  I haven’t been to work.  I’ve been no where.  I only left yesterday to get chocolate and smokes.

That place is bad.  I am still half there, but can feel myself leaving it, slowly.

Lesson learned?  Don’t decrease your meds when you are feeling well.  You are feeling well because of your meds.  So keep it at 100g.  Don’t be stupid, just do it.

Me and Nike, we’re likethis.

On Being Shy

Most people who know me today, who haven’t known me my entire life, would never believe how shy I actually am.  I have spent my entire life pushing that shyness into a box deep inside me.  But I still am really really shy.

I was the hiding behind mom’s skirts kind of shy for a very very long time.  So shy that even family gatherings made me feel a little sick, especially if they were full of all sides of my family, such as my uncle’s families and the like.  I knew who they all were, more or less, but I could never remember all their names, or what I was suppose to call them, i.e. should I call Cousin X’s Aunt, aunt? Or is she not my aunt, so I should just call her Y? And I was always too shy to ask anyone, even my mother, the names of people I was suppose to know already and couldn’t remember.  So I would hide.  Behind my mother.  With the cousins I did know.

I think being shy is what leads, in some part, for me at least, to being Borderline Agoraphobic.  Its that same sort of sick feeling inside, slightly embarrassed, nervous, unsure.  What if I make a fool of myself?  What if I do know that one person and I don’t remember that I know them?  That has actually happened to me at work.  People have come to the office and have been all ‘Hi Robyn, How are you?’ and I fake my way through knowing who they are until I figure it out.  And strangly, its people that are coming to see me that I do this with the most.  I can almost always identify for my boss who someone is (he’s brain is worse than mine!) or if the CEO shouts out “Whose that guy we know at XXX?” I can tell him.  But if I run into some vendor of mine in the lobby of our main building?  I usually can’t remember who they are, unless I’ve met them at least 2 or 3 times.

In some weird way this is wrapping itself up in the way I feel about my cousin being here for a week.  For 99.999999% of it, I am so excited to see her I could die.  We haven’t seen each other in about 10 years, we’ve always gotten along great (including a truly memorable trip to London with her and our grandmother OMG 23 years ago) and I can’t wait to hear straight from the horses mouth what it is like to live in a country like East Timor, where she’s been for donkey’s years.  But that .0000001% of me is that little girl who wants to go hide behind her mother’s skirts.

That same part of me is floating around right now because I’ve just been assigned to represent NISP at both Science and Innovation Week organisational meetings, and for Darwin200 organisational meetings.  I know my role, event space offering, I know what I can tell them in terms of discounts vs donated space.  But my heart is in my throat at the idea that the Tuesday after I get back from holiday I have to walk into the meeting room they’ve booked at a City Centre Hotel and say “Hi, Robyn Fraser, from NISP.”

I know I can do it.  But I’m already terrfied.

I imagine I’ll be a wreck on the day.

And, darn it, due to huge economy drive at work?  They won’t let me get my own business cards.  Which would surely help!!!

The Thing About Insomnia

is that when you have it, you get totally stoked when you wake up at 0530 instead of 0430.  A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR!!!

So next week is our Reunion Drink Up at work.  My old boss will be there, and our old events co-ordinator.  Waiting to hear about our old Director of Facilities will be joining us.  He usually buys the tequila, so he’d better be there!!  It is probably going to be a very late night, as this will be C’s first night out since having her baby in March.  Interestingly, most of the current SMT won’t be there.  Boohoo.  This makes me so sad.  Not.

My mom is safely back from her trip to Greece which was, apparently, fantastic.  Next up they are going to China.

Have a nice long weekend everyone! Enjoy the sales!

Ug, Insomnia

I’ve been up since 4.  Could not get back to sleep.

Seeing my doctor tomorrow, maybe we need to switch my meds *again*.

So much work to do, have to go in today and do it.  At least we finished unpacking yesterday.  Thank god for small favours.

So I just have to sit on my ass and write minutes today.  For the Board, for the Management Meeting, for the Staff.  And we’re gearing up for yearly appraisals.  Yip and may I add eee.

Maybe tonight I’ll have Simon hit me over the head with a hammer so I can sleep more than 5 hours.