Category Archives: Mental Illness

Letter to My Baby – Gestational Age 26 Weeks

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Dear Baby

This has been another really hard week for mummy.  Her depression has come back.  And this makes her worry about you.

I mean, I will always worry about you, since you’re my baby.  Its my job!  And Daddy’s job!  But I do worry about being able to take care of you when I feel bad.

And then I realize…even when I am at my worst, I take care of myself.  I eat.  I bathe.  I wear clean clothes.  So maybe, if mummy has a depressive episode after you’re here, we won’t go to the park.  We’ll stay home instead and play on the floor.  Or cuddle on the sofa.  It’ll be fine.  I promise.

Mummy had an odd occurance the other night, which ties into being worried about you.  She and Daddy went to the movies and out to dinner.  We then walked home, as we do, and it was after dark.  It was only about 8:30, but for the first time in her life Mummy was nervous walking through City Centre after dark.  Even with Daddy with her.

Now, Mummy has walked home, by herself, half drunk at 2am and never felt nervous.  But with you in her tummy, she was nervous.  She didn’t like feeling so vulnerable.  But I guess I’ll have to get used to it.  And I will.

So now, in your 26th week, you can hear things.  Not just mummy’s heartbeat and blood but her and Daddy’s voice!  You have kicked several times in reaction to Mummy’s voice and once or twice in reaction to Daddy’s.  And Daddy felt you move!  Good baby!  Also, some people say you are sensitive and intelligent now.  Not sure what good either of those things do you right now, but good for you if true!

You weight nearly 2 pounds and are about 9 inches long.  And you have less to 100 days until you will be born.

I can.not.wait.

Love

Mummy

Well, Was Feeling Better…

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and now I’m not.  Today I am totally nauseaous.  And depressed.  And just generally feeling BLAH!

Did go out yesterday and see Watchmen.  It was pretty good, if very violent.

And my second foray into slow cooker use was successful!  I made chicken caccatori.  Was a bit watery, but very very tasty.  We will be having that one again.

One other thing about meds and breastfeeding…I have tried almost every med known to man.  The only one that works is Xanax.  I cannot breastfeed while on it.  Thank you for your help otherwise, everyone.  I will give it a try without the meds, but if I need them, I need them.  End of story.

On Infections and the Possiblity of PND

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So, woke up this morning.  Had breakfast.  Took a shower.  Threw up.  Went to Doctor.

Being investigated for a possible infection.  Or could be the vomiting bug that’s going around.

She is sending a referral to psych for me, just in case this antenatal depression turns into post natal depression (PND).  Its not guaranteed that it will, but it is, of course, possible.  This way I will be on psych’s radar again and will get treated fairly quickly if it becomes an issue.

She also said ‘it is better to bottle feed and be functioning on drugs than to insist on breast feeding and not functioning at all.’  She has a point.

I really want to breast feed, it is so good for baby and for me.  But if I can’t, I can’t.   I will come to terms with that, sometime in the next 15 weeks.

So I’m off work for at least the next week, until the possibility of infection is cleared up one way or another.  If I do have an infection, then I may be off another week, not because I’ll be contagious, but because I’ll need to take care of myself and the baby.

I’m sure work is thrilled.  I know I would be, if I was them…

I’m Feeling Much Better

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Definitely going to work on Monday.

Not much going on really.  Just getting a bit bigger every day.  Went through a lot of my work clothes this week and retired them to the spare room closet for the duration.  I told them I hoped to see them again in about a year or so.  Maybe 2 years.

Looking forward to Christmas.  I am off work from the 22nd until the 5th.  Nice long break.  We’ll be in Derry for the actual Christmas holiday and then back home for New Years Eve.  Which we will spend in our usual exciting style of watching a movie.  I might even have a sip of champers.  They are now saying a glass a week is fine after the first trimester.  They will probably change their minds next week.

Another Day

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Another low.  I really need to make sure I eat extra carbs if I am going to be walking a lot after breakfast.  I went to St George’s Farmers Market this morning and then to Marks & Spencer and by the time I was done in Marks I was definitely feeling woozy.  Had a whole wheat roll and half a candy bar and felt well enough to get home.

I do hate lows on the one hand.  On the other hand, I get to eat sugar when I have one!  Its sort of a double edged sword!

I’m still exhausted and a bit depressed.  Glad I have another week off work.  By the end of next week I’m almost done with the 1st trimester, so hopefully will feel better.

Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Two Doctors. Two Days. One Baby.

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Wow, that was dramatic. 🙂

So had a metabolic appointment yesterday.  That means with my diabetes team!  Blood drawn, spoke to Endocrinologist, stuff like that there.  Endo is very pleased with my numbers.  Still a bit high in the morning, so increased my insulin.  Mornings are the hardest to get down for almost everyone, due to what is known as the Dawn Effect or Dawn Phenomenon.   For some reason, blood glucose levels go up with the dawn.  Some people say it is to wake the body up to get the day started, but no one knows for sure why it happens.  But it is not unusual that my highest insulin dose is before breakfast.

They also did a second scan on me yesterday.  Baby now measures 9+1, with a margin of error of +/- 1 week, so I am around 10 weeks.  I will have a real dating scan in 3 weeks.  But everything looks great, heartbeat nice and strong, and being such a wiggle worm that the US operator had a hard time getting a measurement on her!  Perhaps there is a dancer or footballer in our future!

And today I saw my GP about the depression and general feelings of OMG!ICK!  She said that this is the one time in my life I am allowed to let myself be depressed.  To take it easy.  Keep eating well, taking walks, but mostly just relaxing.  So I am off work for at least another whole week after this one.  With strict orders to sit around and do very little!  My kind of prescription!

In other news, I had sort of an odd moment yesterday.  I took the bus up to the hospital and this couple and their two children got on as well. One was about 2 and in a pushchair and the other was literally a babe in arms.  Then, coming home on the bus, the same couple was there as well.  But with only one child.

So I have been wondering what happened to the other child.  I would think that if the poor little thing had to be left at the hospital, mom and dad would have stayed longer with  him.  Or at least one of them would have.  And neither parent looked worried or anything.

This is one of those things that will remain a mystery.  Gonna make  me nuts.  Any theories?

LOL at Eve’s Comment Yesterday

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Yes, tomorrow the embryo ‘levels up’ to fetus.  I love my geeky friends.

Feel like total crap today.  Headache.  Nausea.  Depression.  I’m still referring to it as the trifecta of pregnancy.

And the inabilty to feel full.  I may have to have lunch in about 10 minutes, and its only 11:00am!

Off to Diabetic Antenatal Clinic today. I imagine there will be blood drawn and doctors talked to.  Fun fun fun.

So, The Weekend Was Okay

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Did make it out of the flat, only to nearly hurl in Tesco.  Yeah, that was fun.

Then had a hypo in the middle of Eason and had to scarf a bag of crisps.  Salt and Vinegear, for the record.

Then we did head over to the Chirstmas Market at City Hall.  Our favorite French baker wasn’t there, but another one was and I got to have two bites of Simon’s really yummy chocolate tart.  And it was only £2!  We were both amazed.  A tart like that in a restaurant would be like £7!  May have to go back for some more.

Then went to Quantum of Solace and out to dinner yesterday.  No hypos or hurling, but did almost fall asleep during the movie and was the Queen of Burps.

Still feeling really depressed.  And Simon says I look preggers from the side.  Thanks Simon.

And, yes, I am making Thanksgiving Dinner on Thursday.  Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts.  Chocolate Ice Cream for dessert.  Yeah, can’t get pumpkin pie here in Belfast.  That’s okay, though.  I’m not a huge fan of pumpkin pie.

So tomorrow is Diabetes/Antenatal clinic and then Wednesday I see my GP and hopefully can get something for the drepssion, although I doubt it due to the fetus.  Hey, as of Wednesday, it is indeed a fetus!