Category Archives: Personal

Sorry For The Lack Of Updates

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Its not so much that I have nothing to say as I am too tired to say it coherently or the way that I want to.

As Adam gets older, he needs more interaction, of course! He still is able to play by himself quite a bit, in his chair and in his bumbo.  And he has what Simon calls the disco saucer, which is an activity centre thing.  But he still takes up quite a bit of time and energy, of course!

So my writing is suffering.

And so, to my 10 regular readers, I apologize.

I will try to do better in the future!

Yesterday I Woke Up With Very Few Spoons

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What that means.

It actually started at about 330am when either I was awoken by Adam needing me or I woke Adam because I moaned in pain in my sleep.  My upper arms and my thighs hurt with every move.  I was having the worst Fibro flare I’ve had since having my son.

Lucky for me Adam settled back down after about a half an hour of playing ‘find me my dummy mummy’ and slept until 630.  That extra 2.5 hours helped a lot.

When Simon woke up for work at 7 I told him how much pain I was in.  Well, he could see it, as I limped around the flat and groaned as I reached for the peanut butter for breakfast.  He offered to stay home but it was really important to me to be able to take care of my son no matter what.  So Simon did bits of help (the most important being getting a coffee cup down for me!) and then headed off to work.

Adam and I had no plans yesterday, although I was hoping to walk up to the park.  Instead we stayed home.  He spent a lot more time in his bouncy chair than he normally would, but other than that, it was a normal day.  Right up to and including his 230 ‘I’m exhausted but I don’t want to sleep’ crank which can only be soothed by walking him around and singing silly songs to him until he’s so tired he falls asleep.

By around lunchtime I was feeling somewhat better, although I still couldn’t lift my arms over my head.  And I was exhausted.  I did ring Simon at one point and ask if he could even come home an hour early, it would help, but if he couldn’t, I’d continue to manage.

And manage I did.  My son was fed, dry, warm and happy.  Maybe he didn’t get as many snuggles as usual, but he still got tummy time on Mummy and Daddy’s bed while Mummy got dressed.  Maybe Mummy didn’t spend as much time  bouncing him on her knee as she usual does (he loves that) but she did sit next to him while he was in his chair and talked to him and tickled him.

When I got pregnant my family’s major concern was how I would cope with my mental health issues.  Mentally, I’ve been fine.  Oh sure, I’ve had sad days, who doesn’t?  And I’ve had some major anxiety and panic attacks.  But none of these have affected taking care of my son.

And yesterday I proved my Fibro doesn’t either.

Letter to My Son – Adam – 5 Months Old

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Dear Adam

Here we are at 5 months.  The time has just flown by and I can’t believe you’re almost half a year old already.

So many developmental changes this past month!  The big one was you rolling over from your tummy to your back.  Surprised the heck out of both of us.  One second you were happily having tummy time on Mummy and Daddy’s bed.  The next you were on your back!  The look on your face was priceless, until you started to cry.  Unfortunately Daddy missed it.  He was indisposed at the time.  Poor Daddy.

Luckily, you’ve done it several times since then:

The other major thing that happened this month was you receiving your US Passport and Statement of Consular Birth Abroad.  These two things tell the world that you are indeed a US Citizen, from birth, no matter that you were not born on US soil.

You are in fact a tri-citizen, entitled to a UK, US and Irish passport.  Daddy and I will let you decide if you need an Irish passport when you are older.  With the UK and the US ones you are set!

Because you got your US Passport in a timely manner we are going to California for Christmas.  Your Grandma and Pops

Adam and Grandma Adam and Pops.

will be there along with your Uncle J, Aunt B and Cousins R & S.  Your other Pops might be there as well!

Other milestones Daddy and I have noticed this month include: –

  • You are trying to sit up.
  • You are beginning to be interested in what Daddy and I are eating.
  • You are starting to be able to put your pacifier into your mouth as well as take it out
  • You like to blow raspberries:

  • You can roll half way over from your back to your side.
  • You are, in general, becoming much more aware of the world around you.

This coming week is the appointment with the Paediatric Surgeon about the lump on your side.  Daddy and I are pretty sure they are going to say ‘well, we won’t be able to tell you anything until we see the MRI’, which you will be having 16th December.

No official weigh and measure this month my son.  But I would bet you’ve gained at least a pound and around an inch.

Growing fast!

Love

Mummy

Heeee’s a Yankee Doodle Daaaandyyyyy

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So yesterday, Adam, Simon and I went over the the US Consulate here in Belfast to present Adam’s credentials to prove he’s a US Citizen.  This included 3 different forms to fill out, background information on me to prove that I lived in the US for 5 years before Adam was born and $150 in fees.  The goal by the end of the meeting was:

  • Consular Statement of Birth Abroad
  • US Passport
  • Social Security Number

Me, being a PA by profession, was prepared.  I had all the documents in a lovely plastic envelope.  I had a check list with everything checked off.  I was ready.

So I am up at the counter  and as the lady is going through the papers I noticed that the pictures that I knew I had stapled to the passport application were not there. I mentioned that to her and she said ‘The application isn’t completely filled out either’ and I realized I had grabbed the wrong application.  I had started one, messed up my handwriting and so used the second one I had.  And I must have put the good one in the ‘save in case I need it pile’ rather than the ‘take to the Consulate pile’.

The lady said, ‘well go ahead and finish filling this application out.’

So I go back to sit with Simon and tell him what has happened, practically crying and feeling sick to my stomach.  There was no way we’d have Adam’s passport soon enough to go home for Christmas if the application wasn’t completed that day.

Then Simon said, ‘Wait, we each have one of his pictures in our wallets from his UK application.’

And I said ‘They’re too small, but I will show them to her.’

So I go back up with the completed application and showed her the pictures and she said, ‘Sure, we can paste it onto a piece of white paper!  These are very good pictures!’

Oh thank God!

So she told me to take a seat, after taking my $150, and that the Consular would be right with me.

So we waited.  And were called back up about 10 minutes later.  All was in order!  Simon and I swore that all facts on all applications were true to the best of our knowledge and signed our names.  Then the Consular said ‘You went to Iowa?’

‘Yes.’ I replied.

‘I was at the Writer’s Workshop from 92 – 94!  So you were there for the flood, yes?’

‘Oh yeah!’

Now that’s proof once again that its a small world.

Consular went away and counter lady came back.  Told me that the documents for the Passport would go to Washington to the State Department and then come back to the Consulate.  I would then get both the Passport and the Statement of Birth by Royal Mail (pre-paid priority envelope) in about 10 days.

Social Security paperwork has to go to London.  That could take 6 – 8 weeks until we get his Social Security Number.  Anyone else see something wrong with it taking less time to go from Consulate to D.C. to Consulate to me in less time than from Consulate to London to me? Yeah, me too.

All in all except for the OH SHIT moment, it was very easy.  Everyone was very nice.

Simon and I both agree that it was sort of like waiting at the bank.  Only with less comfortable chairs.

And Adam is now officially half British and half American.  He has the passports (or will soon) to prove it.

Adam, The City Boy,

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had his first nature experience today.  I think he was confused!

We walked up to the Botanic Gardens today.  It was the first time he’s been anywhere where you couldn’t hear city traffic. He was looking all around at the trees and we walked through the rose garden.  But I think the quiet disturbed him.

He was yawning the whole way through the Gardens, but didn’t actually fall asleep until we were back on the street heading home.  Too much quiet, for my city boy!

We will definitely walk up there again.  Good exercise for mummy.  And the boy needs to see some nature on occasion.

Even if the quiet keeps him awake.

So, Here I Am…

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over half way to 41.  And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, in between nappy changing, cuddling, soothing and playing, about what exactly that means to me.

I remember approaching 40 with no more anxiety than any other birthday.  Well, I was 5 months pregnant at that point, so any anxiety I was having was wrapped up in that!  But also, what did I have to worry about?  I was about to have my first, much wanted, child, I was (and still am, BTW) happily married and my job, while not making me rich, at least never made me bored.

So how do I feel now?  A little more anxious, actually.  Its almost as if, having sailed through 40, 41 is going to be the big one.

For one thing I am, of course, much more tired, (who wouldn’t be with a baby in the house?) even with my previous insomnia issues.  And being so much more tired, all the time, means that I am almost constant pain of one sort or another.  Mostly in my hands and left knee.  Which we now know is fibromyalgia.

The left knee is also due to the weight I gained while pregnant.  Which I am working on losing!!

So I think 41 is going to be my ‘big’ one.  My 40.  Of course, at the moment I’m planning a spa weekend with some wonderful women I know for that weekend.

So maybe I’ll be 41.  But I’ll be relaxed.

And probably drunk. 🙂

Letter To My Son – Adam – 4 Months Old

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Dear Adam

Today you are 4 months old.  I was hoping to say that you managed to stay out of A&E for this entire month but, alas, it is not to be.  You were there just after your second set of jabs to have your lump investigated.  You can read the whole story of that here.

This has been quite the month otherwise as well.  You’ve been laughing up a storm, really starting to sleep through the night and even thinking very hard about rolling over.  Your Daddy and I can just tell!

What we’ve learned this month:

  1. You love sitting up.  The bumbo is great for that: –

    2. SDC10553

  2. You have started drooling.  A lot.  But still no signs of teeth.
  3. If Mummy thinks you are too tired and doesn’t sing to you, you won’t go to sleep until she does.
  4. You hate wearing a hat. Even though you look so cute in one

    5. SDC10557

  5. You can take your dummy out of your mouth.  We are just waiting for you to be able to put it back in!
  6. The best toy in the world? Daddy’s fingers: –

    7. SDC10540

Winter is rapidly moving in here in Belfast, so mummy is getting ready to move you into a more sit up version of your pram.  You see, that version has a warm sleeping bag like thing that attaches to it, so you’ll be very snuggly warm this winter.  Also, you are definitely ready to be able to look around as we go about our day.

Mummy was recently diagnosed to fibromyalgia, so, once again, she has to ask for your patience.  She might not be able to be as active as you as you get older as some mummies can be, since she hurts quite a lot.

But she promises she will always be there to hold you, or pick you up, no matter what.

Love

Mummy

Diabetes…Anxiety Disorder…Borderline Agoraphobia…And Now…

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Some of you might remember that about 2 years ago now I started have trouble sleeping.  As in waking up for the day at 4am.  No matter what time I went to bed.

After a few months of various sleeping pills didn’t work, I was sent to the rheumatoid clinic.  I was tested for every known type of arthritis.  I had x-rays.  It was determined that I have early degenerative disease in my left knee and hip.

And then I got pregnant.  And any possible proof that I might have what they thought I had (fibromyalgia) went out the window as who can tell if you’re not sleeping and you hurt all over because of fibro or because of the big belly and kicking baby?  So we agreed to postpone diagnosis until after the baby was born.

Yesterday was that diagnosis appointment.  I have fibro.

So what makes today different from yesterday?  Today my aches, pains and exhaustion have a name beyond ‘you have a 4 month old son’.  The occasional weakness in my right hand has a cause.

Of course there is no cure for fibro. In the UK there isn’t even an approved drug for treatment.  In fact when I mentioned to the doctor I saw yesterday that my mom has fibro and she takes some sort of medicine for it, he actually rolled his eyes and said ‘there is no drug that treats fibro.’  I raised my eyebrows at him, but let it drop.

The treatment is what I already do; ibuprofen/paracetamol, gentle exercise and plenty of rest.  I can do all but the last. See aforementioned 4 month old son!

So I’ll keep popping ibuprofen at night and in the morning.  I’ll keep taking walks with the pram.  I’ll keep doing yoga.

And until the landlord finally gets the plumber here to sort it, I’ll keep yelling for Simon to turn on the cold tap in the kitchen on days my hands are too weak to manage it.

And avoid doing the washing up when he isn’t home…

I Would Like To Say, Right Up Front

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that I know Simon and I are incredibly lucky with how much Adam sleeps.  He’s always slept fairly well at night and he’s recently begun sleeping through from 730 or 8 to about 530 the next morning.

That being said…

I think Cry It Out sucks.  I think its a stupid idea and cruel.  I do not think it teaches a child to self sooth.  I think it teaches a child that no one is coming to comfort them, so why bother to cry?  My son? Self soothes.  He takes a pacifier that he spits out automatically when he’s fully asleep.  That is self soothing.

I became totally against Cry It Out when I heard a story from a mum on a board I used to frequent.  This mum told the story of her (approximately) 2 year old daughter crying in the middle of the night and the mum let her cry, because that’s what you do.  You let them cry.  They couldn’t possibly, at 2, need you for anything in the middle of the night.  Well, when she went to get her daughter the next morning the child and her cot were covered in dried vomit.  Whether the child had cried so much that she’d made herself sick or had cried because she had been sick the mum didn’t know.  Because she never once checked on her once she was in bed.

The story is bad enough.  What’s worse is the response of the other mothers on the board.  Who all told her that she had no way of knowing that her daughter had been sick and so she shouldn’t feel bad about leaving her to cry. What?!?!?!  Of course she could have known.  She could have taken a peak at her daughter and made sure she was okay, which she so obviously wasn’t.

Now you know one of the reasons why I don’t read at that board any more.

My next Cry It Out story is recent and I heard it long after I had made the decision to never let Adam Cry It Out.

Its Dooce’s story about Leta.  Now, you have to watch the Momervision video to find this out, because Dooce doesn’t mention it in the blog post, but its not just that they let Leta cry herself to sleep at 5 months.  Its that it took thirteen nights of her crying most of the night before Leta slept on the 14th night.  So for almost 2 weeks, Dooce and her husband left Leta lying in her crib, crying.  13 days of it.  How is that not cruel?  How is that teaching the child anything but that mummy is never coming to comfort her?

I do understand sleep deprivation.  Although Adam sleeps fairly well, he was still waking up at least once a night until, really, this past week.  And sleep deprivation isn’t just no sleep, its no consistent sleep.  Its never getting more than 3 or 4 hours in a row for day after day after day.

What I don’t understand is treating a child like that.  Of ‘teaching’ a baby that mummy isn’t coming, so you’d better just shut up and go to sleep.

I try to respect other’s parenting styles, I really do.  I don’t want anyone to judge me, so I try not to judge others.

But 13 days? Is entirely cruel.

And makes me wonder if that’s the real reason Dooce checked herself into the mental hospital not to long after she let Leta cry it out.  I’m not saying Dooce doesn’t have Mental Health Issues, lord knows I have enough myself.  I am saying that I think she set herself up for her crash.  By, yes, I am going to say it, the guilt she created by torturing her daughter.

Dooce will probably never read this.  She has no idea who I am.

But I’ve lost a little respect for her now.

And I’m happy for her that Margo is a better sleeper than Leta was.

Although Today Was Incredibly Hard and I am Exhausted

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it is days like today that make me grateful for 1 year of Maternity Leave.  In the States I am pretty sure I’d be back to work already.

Today was a day with an upset baby all day.  He was beyond cranky.  He was screaming crying off and on all day.

And all I could think was, God, what if he was with a babysitter or at a childminder?  Not only would they not have the time to sit on the sofa all afternoon and hold him, they wouldn’t have the patience.  Or the love.  Its something only a mummy would do.

Because that’s what I did.  I sat on the sofa all day, gazing at the internet and playing a game so my son could sleep in spurts between crying his eyes out.  He wasn’t hungry.  He was dry.  He was obviously a bit tired, since he kept falling asleep.  But mostly he was just being a baby.

I, of course, had to leave him to cry on occasion.  I needed the loo.  I needed to eat lunch.  I needed a break.  But mostly I sat here all day with my son in my arms, being miserable.

And when Simon I got home, he took over.  Adam ate a bit more for his Daddy, but not a lot.  And he had more moments of laughter.  But not many.  Daddy mostly did all evening what I did all day, hold on tight to a baby that was miserable for no discernible reason.

He might be teething, as his pacifier seemed to help.  I looked but I don’t see any teethy pegs yet.

And he went to bed for the night at the same time as he usually does.

So we’ll see what kind of night we have.

And tomorrow is another day.