Category Archives: Being a Mummy

On Sitting In The Dark

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I am writing this on my iPhone, in the low light in Adam’s room, trying to settle him in his cot.

It’s Saturday night and I used to spend this time with my husband, drinking wine and watching movies. Now I spend it waiting for a small boy to be asleep enough to go in his cot.

This is what mummies do. They give up their wine drinking and movie watching to make sure their small people settle well into their beds.

Adam is ill again so any thoughts Simon and I had of trying to get him to settle himself are on hold until he is well. If he’s ever well.

So I sit, with my small boy on my lap, trying to move him into his cot every 15 minutes.

Eventually it might even work.

Yeah. Its Been Awhile.

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I promise two long posts next week.  Adam’s 16 month newsletter and my trip to Dublin post.

That’s right.  I’m off to Dublin.  Why? Because I can. Who with? Me. Myself. And I.

Nearly 48 hours of being Just Robyn.  Not Mama.  Not Wife.  Just me.

I realized a few weeks ago I hadn’t had a real break since March, when I went to Manchester with my 40+ Mummies on Mumsnet.  That’s a long time to be a Mum 24/7 without a break.

I realize most mum’s don’t get a break.  But I’m lucky.  I have a supportive husband who understands that I need one.  And we counted our change jar and I had enough money to take one.

Also, I have a new client.

So I’m off to Dublin tomorrow.

I plan to sleep, eat, shop, sleep, read, sleep, eat, read, sleep and sleep.

And be Just Robyn.

See you when I get back.

Once Again Feeling Like A Crap Mother

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I am not saying I am a crap mother.  Just that I feel like one lately.

Why? Because Adam has had 3 ear infections and 2 chest infections, 2 of each in the last month. And has had to take antibiotics for them.

Why do I blame myself?

Because I couldn’t breastfeed.

Everyone (yeah, ya know, everyone; they’s neighbours?) says that breastfeed babies have much better immune systems. That they never get ill.  That they walk at 2 months and talk at 3 months and go to Harvard at 3 years old. Oh and they can drive by the time they are 18 months.

Obviously I am being hyperbolic about this, but its almost that bad.  If  you formula feed, for what ever your reason, you are, basically, stunting your child for life.

I would normally laugh this off.  I don’t do competitive parenting, I think its ridiculous.  But this one, about a weaker immune system, is hitting really close to home right now.  As my son coughs himself awake night after night.  As goop drains out of his ear and his fever spikes to 100.6.  May not sound all that high, but he’s normally around 97.4.  So its about 3 degrees.  That’s a lot.

That’s all happened in the last week.  And I put off taking him to the doctor because I just couldn’t believe he had yet another infection.  So he didn’t get any antibiotics until Thursday.  When he probably needed them starting Tuesday.  And I should really listen to my Mum.  Who told me to take him to the doctor on Wednesday.

Another reason to feel like a crap mother.  Because after just 2 doses of his antibiotic, he started acting more like himself again.

In any case, I know not being able to breastfeed was not my fault.  I had no milk.  Fact.  I may or may not have had milk if Adam hadn’t been a C-section, if he hadn’t needed to be in SCBU for 9 days, if if if if if…but I didn’t have any.

So I gave him Cow & Gate.  And no one can say he hasn’t thrived, my 31.5 inch, somewhere around 30 pound, at nearly 15 months son.  But he does keep getting these bugs.

Now, everyone knows daycare centres are hot beds of germs.  And he’s proving it.  He was out of daycare more than he was in it in August.  And now he’s missed another 2 days.  Just as he was settling in so nicely.

So I feel guilty.  Is it because I had no milk? Could I have had milk if I’d just tried a little bit harder?

Of course not.  Well, the lower immunity might be, who really knows?  But I had no milk no matter what I did.  And I did it all.

So, Mummy Guilt rears its ugly head.  And I feel like a crap mother.

Even though, in my head, I know I’m not.

Could someone just tell my heart that?

Mama and Adam’s Newest Adventure

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So I’ve been wanting to go to Connswater Shopping Centre for awhile, because there is a Really Really Big Tesco (TM) there, but was always a bit daunted by the distance. Until I realized it was only about half a mile further than the Tesco I go to now.

So I put Adam in his new stroller and headed off.  Simon was a bit iffy about it, as its not the best part of Belfast, but I realized as we walked along that so long as I wasn’t wearing my ‘I’m for a United Ireland’ t-shirt, I’d be okay.  NB: I don’t actually own such a t-shirt.  My point is that the area is heavy LOL with lamp-posts with pictures of the Queen and everything.  Simon says about 1 block to the left is the just the opposite.

Anyway, it was a very nice walk, mostly flat (as opposed to my other Tesco, which is mostly uphill the whole way) and with traffic lights almost every crossing (also unlike my other Tesco) and then I was there.  Mecca.  Okay, so its just a very nice shopping centre with a Really Really Big Tesco (TM) and a Dunnes and Boots and all sorts of places.  It was fab.

So Adam and I looked around Dunnes.  And then went and did the shopping in Really Really Big Tesco (TM).  I carried through with a plan I’d been thinking about for awhile, which was to fold the pushchair up and stick it in a trolley rather than try to carry a hand-basket and push the stroller.  Worked a treat, except that there was no safety strap in the trolley seat, so I tied him in with a string I had!

Adam loved it.  I forgot to take a picture, though.  Maybe next time.

However, since it was a Really Really Big Tesco (TM) and it was laid out differently from my usual Tesco (and why is that? Why can’t they all be laid out the same?) shopping took longer than usual.  Suddenly it was noon and I had a hungry, cranky boy on my hands.  I wasn’t feeling too uncranky myself, actually.

So what’s a Mama to do?  We went to the food court.  Where our choices were Chinese, Burger King, Subway or Chicken Cottage.  And I knew the one thing Adam *might* eat was chicken.  So Adam had his very first ever child’s meal.  Chicken and Chips.  He ate about one nugget and some chips.  I had some chicken as well.

And then we headed home.  And belly full of chips boy fell asleep in his pram about 10 minutes from the flat and stayed asleep for about an hour.

So it was a good adventure.  I was feeling guilty about the lunch until I spoke to Simon:

‘Forgive me Dada, for I have sinned.’  I said to him on the phone.

‘Oh?’ He replied

‘Adam had his first ever fast food lunch today.’

‘Oh.  Well he’s had bits of my Egg McMuffins when he’s been with me and I’ve had one.’

Guilt 100% gone.

Apologies If Anyone Couldn’t Get Here Yesterday

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My brother hosting company migrated servers yesterday so we were down for a bit.  All fixed now! 🙂

These past 3 weeks of flat repair have convinced me, once again, that I don’t ever really want to own my own house.  Its been constant is the workman going to show up, oh good he did, oh crap he needs to come back, oh look another lot of plumbers and they still can’t fix it.  And its not over because we are pretty sure we found the leak, in the hall bath by the radiator.  Where they *just* fixed the paint from a previous water issue.

The good news? We don’t have to pay for it.  The bad news?  I can’t get a moments peace in my own house!!!

I was very much looking forward to dropping Adam off at day care, coming home, making a fresh pot of coffee, doing some work, having a sleep, doing some more work, actually eating lunch, cleaning a bit of the house maybe, then going to get him to find he’s had a lovely day of playing and laughing and making friends.

Instead I drop him off and leave him crying for me, come home, let in the handyman, get a headache as they rip the tiles off the bathroom wall with a jack hammer, do some work, eat some lunch, get slightly nauseaous from the smell of fresh paint, go pick up Adam to find out that he’s cried off and on for 5 hours and won’t eat anything while there.

I actually had a decent nights sleep last night, for the first time in about a week, and Simon asked if I felt any better.  Nope.  I need about 2 weeks of decent sleep to maybe feel better.  I suggest I check myself into a hotel and leave he and Adam to it.  Simon said no. 🙁

I guess I’ll feel better when Adam is 16 and refuses to get up at all during school hols.

Or maybe not.

I Am Sure I Am Not

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the first person to stare at their child and wonder.  Not just at how quickly they are growing or at the fact that they are a parent.

But wonder at the magic that is the creation of life.

About 22 months ago an egg met a sperm and 37 weeks 6 days later a full human being came out of my tummy.

Think about it.  A full, complete person was inside me.  And then wasn’t.

With fingers and toes and hair and eyes and ears and a mouth and all those things.

And now that small being is bigger.  And turning, right before my eyes, into a real person.  With a personality and likes and dislikes.  With hair that needs trimming and nails that need clipping.

That talks.  And thinks.  And learns.

That is beginning to walk.  And feed itself.  And plays.

That is rapidly turning from my baby to my little boy.

That can clap its hands.  And use a spoon.  And show you how big he is.

That can say Dada and look towards his Mama when you ask him where she is.

A whole complete human being.

That grew in my tummy.

Miracle of life indeed.

Reflections on a Year

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Well…over 13 months.

Anyway, as Adam and I gear up for our next big adventure, him starting day nursery and me having free time away from him on a regular basis, I’ve started to reflect on the past year.

As this year has gone by there have been some truly horrible moments.  Moments when I’ve sat crying, Adam in my arms, exhausted, overwhelmed, aching with arthritis and fibro and depression, knowing Simon wouldn’t be home from work for hours.  Knowing that I couldn’t even call him and ask him to come home early because he told me about a big meeting or he’s teaching at a far away campus.  And wondering if I was the most selfish person in the world for having a baby with all my health issues, both mental and physical.

So I asked my sister, was I? Was I incredibly selfish to have Adam?

And she was, as always, brutally honest.  She said, you well know that I had reservations and worries when you got pregnant.  That your brother and I were both worried about your mental health and physical health issues.  And you know what? We worried for nothing.  You are a wonderful mother.  Adam is thriving.  Your company is taking off.  So, no.  You were not selfish to have Adam.  You wanted a baby and you had a wonderful one.

And I cried.  And I cry as I write this.  Because saying it out loud was hard enough.

Finding out I was wrong? Was even harder.

Because it showed me something I’ve never wanted to believe about myself.  I am just like everyone else in the world.  I have doubts.  I am, at times, hard on myself.

And I hate that.  I hate that I care what others think sometimes.  I hate that I question my ability to be Adam’s Mummy.

Because Adam is indeed thriving.  Not just because he’s 31 inches tall and weighs 28 pounds.  But because he’s starting to talk.  And walk.  And feed himself.  So he doesn’t talk English and he stumbles and the spoon is usually up side down?

He’s learning.

And so’s his mum.

I Am Beginning To Wonder

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why I post at Mumsnet at all.

No matter what you post over there you are either accused of being judgey (as they say) or a troll.  Its really annoying.

Granted, I’ve made some friends over there.  The 40+ mummies.  Some local mums that I just met IRL on Friday.

But for the most part, its full of vitriol and angst and anger.  And,  yes, people being judgey.

I would hope that a site that The Times called:

“The country’s most popular meeting point for parents”

Would be less judgemental. More supportive.

And at times, it is. There have been many posters who have been in dire need who the people on the site have rallied around.

But those threads are few and far between. If you believe people who have been posting on there since the beginning, it used to be 100% supportive. I, personally, don’t believe them.

So why do I keep posting there? Because its fun, I guess. I get to let my inner bitch out on occasion, knowing that the worst that will happen is I’ll get bored with it and hide the thread. Which I do a lot.

But I also start writing replies a lot and then don’t post them. Because I am not in the mood for being bitched at back.

So I suppose I’ll continue to post there.

But maybe I’ll stick to the 40+ and the local thread.

For my blood pressure, if nothing else.

The Next Part of Adam’s Life Starts in About 6 weeks

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when he will, most likely, be starting day nursery.

I found a lovely place that will take him for 2 mornings a week, from 9 – 2.  The price is reasonable and the place is wonderful!  Bright, cheery, well cared for.  Lovely friendly staff.  Excellent facilities.

And so in about 6 weeks (hopefully post-op), Adam will be away from me for 10 hours a week.  For the first time since he was born.

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but any other time he’s been away from me he’s been with his dad or his grandma.  Never with strangers.  Even if strangers have been holding him, I’ve been right there.  Or at least not too far away.

This is the first time I’ll be handing him to complete strangers and leaving him.  Saying, go, grow up without me.  Become the wonderful big boy I know you’re going to be. Learn.  Play.  Make friends.

Am I sad? Hell yes.  And will be even more so when he actually starts to go.

Will I enjoy the time off? Hell yes.  But I’ll miss him.

And the saddest part? I left him in the baby room today while I toured the facilities.  And he didn’t even seem to notice.

Although I did get a big head butt snuggle when I picked him back up.

So I guess he missed me…

I Think I Need A Good Cry

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I set into motion today putting Adam into daycare.  Not full time, just two half days a week, but I still feel like its letting my baby go out into the wide world without me.  I am not sure I am ready for that.

I know it will be good for him.  And for me.  But it is still scary.

You hear so many scary stories about bad day care situations, never mind what the Catholic Church is up to.  I am a firm believe that the world isn’t any more dangerous than it was when I was a kid, we just hear about it more.  But its different when its your little baby.

I think I would be less wary of it if he was older.  He can’t communicate yet so leaving him in someone else’s hands is a true test of faith.  If they hurt him he won’t be able to tell me, you know?

But I will thoroughly investigate all options.  Do site visits.  Do surprise visits once we’ve chosen one.

And pray a bit.