Breastfeeding…

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So, I wanted to breastfeed my son.  Not just because of all of the ‘breast is best’ propaganda around these days, but because it seems like a lovely way to feed a baby.  All that snuggling and skin on skin contact while giving my son his very best start, what could be bad with that?

So from the start, my very first appointment with a midwife, they asked me how I intended to feed my baby.  And I always answered, with no hesitation ‘breast’.  I knew there could be issues, that the art, if you will, of breast feeding has been lost some where along the way but that millions of women were doing it.  And I really wanted to.

And then he was born.  And wouldn’t even do a first feed in recovery due to his breathing.  And then he taken away from me within hours to be put in SCBU.  So I started hand expressing and did get a few milliliters of colostrum for him.  Which he took through a tube.

And then I got an electric pump while I was in hospital.  And I hooked myself up, every 3 hours, including round the clock.  And still only got a few drops.

So I started on the wives tales.  Fennel Tea.  Lactation Cookies.  More expressing. Sitting looking at him.  Smelling him.

And still I never expressed more than about 10 ml every 3 hours.  Not even close to enough to feed my hungry son, who by the end of his first week was up to 60 – 90 ml (90 ml is about 3 oz) every  3 – 4 hours.  My milk has just never come in.

And so I made the decision.  Cow and Gate via bottle.  I cried and agonized over this decision.  I fretted and worried.  What kind of mother can’t feed her son?

And then I realized I could feed my son.  I know formula isn’t the same as breast milk, no matter what it says on the tin.  But its keeping his tummy full.  And he is very healthy, according to the Health Visitor who was around yesterday.  And he’s content (well, as content as an 11 day old baby ever is 🙂 ).

What really angers me is other people’s reactions. I’m sorry if to you I’m not a complete Mummy because I am not breastfeeding.  But when eating time becomes a battle of wills? Not good for Mummy or Baby.

And it angers me the lack of support that some women show other women for their choices.  For their failures, if you will.  There are no pefect mummies.  Everyone makes choices for their children.  And all over the world women judge other women for those choices.

And the judging is not just over breast versus bottle.  Its disposable versus reusable.  Public school versus home schooling.  Free Range versus total watching.

And none of these issue, and many others, have a right or a wrong answer.  And yet we all judge each other about them every day.  And it needs to stop.

We are all mummies together.  We all have one common goal, to raise our kids to be the very best human beings they can be, or I hope that is the overall goal for all mummies.  I know it is my goal!

And if it isn’t your goal? I can respect that.  And support you in that.

Can you do the same for me?

My Micracle Occured…

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Not only did he come home a week earlier than the doctors predicted, he came home a day earlier than I was told!

Adam and I came home yesterday around 2:30pm.  🙂

He is doing super.  He had a great night in his Amby next to Mummy and Daddy’s bed, sleeping from about 11:45 to 4:45.  He probably would have slept longer, but Mummy woke up and got a bit panicked that he was still asleep so she grabbed him to make sure he was still breathing!  He was. 🙂

Right now he is asleep again, in his cot.  Mummy and Daddy decided Amby is for overnight and cot is for during the day.  Seems to be working so far.

He’s eating like a champ, from a bottle.  We are having some breast feeding issues.  I will be blogging about those in full later.

And now…the moment a lot of people have been waiting for…Adam Jacob Fraser…UNPLUGGED!!!!!

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He Took A Bottle All Night Long

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no need to reinsert his feeding tube.  So I am hoping we can bring him home on Sunday.

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Look! Clothes!!!!

In other, non-Adam news, my mom is here.  She arrived on Wednesday and immediately started cleaning my toaster.  Ahhh, mothers. 🙂

It is really good to have her and Step Dad here.  It is so helpful to know Simon and I can be at the hospital with Adam and come home and there’s some food in the fridge and the laundry is folded.  It will be just as helpful once Adam is home, if not more so.

Of course, she makes me a little nutsy (and yes, she’s probably going to read this) as she asks me about my blood sugar 10x a day.  In fact I just told her it was 1000.10.  Just to be a wise ass. 🙂

As for me, I am feeling very well.  My tummy is getting less sore every day.  Every time my wound gets checked it looks fine.

I just wish my baby was with me.  I’d be exhausted.  But he’d be here and not across town.  Soon.

Letter to My Baby – Adam Jacob – Now 4 Days Old

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Note: This is a letter I started the day after he was born and added to a bit every day while I was in the hospital.

12th June 2009

Dear Adam

Yesterday you were born.  I was one of the happiest days of my life, tied with the day I married your father.

You were born at 10:36am at the maternity hospital here in Belfast.  You weighed 8lbs 10oz.  My big boy!  You were born with quite a bit of darkish hair.  Your eyebrows and eyelashes are so faint and blond, just like your Daddy’s.

As I write this I don’t know what colour your eyes are as you haven’t opened them.  You see, you are a little ill, having some trouble breathing so you are not with me, you’re down in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU) on oxygen and in an incubator so you are nice and warm.

The doctors are hopeful that you will be out in just a few days.

It was so hard for Mummy when they took you away.  She was still under a spinal block from the CS that delivered you so she was stuck in bed, not even able to lift you out of your cot without help and they took you away.  She knows it was for the best, to get you the best care and get you well, but she was still very sad.

At first they let you stay in Mummy’s room in an incubator, but eventually they moved you to SCBU.  As soon as the doctors let them, Mummy and Daddy went down to see you.  They got to talk to you and touch you.  Mummy was in a wheelchair, but she was determined!!

Today Mummy should be back on her feet.  And she will spend as much time with you as possible, as will Daddy.

Granny and Granda will be here tomorrow as they can only see you on the weekends.

Mummy is recovering well, but will be in hospital until at least Sunday.  She’s praying that you will get to come home with her, but the doctors don’t know yet.

Things I already know about you:

When your allowed to sleep on your side, you tuck your hands under your face, just like Mummy.  When you cry, which hasn’t been often so far, a hand on your tummy seems to calm you down.  And so far you seem very even tempered.

Your name, as you know, is Adam Jacob.  Adam is for your Daddy’s grandfather, your granny’s father.  Jacob is for your Mummy’s grandfather, the father of your Pops with the swimming pool.  His middle name was Jacob.  His first name was Harrison, but when Mummy mentioned naming you that to a few people thought it was for Harry Potter!  So she and Daddy decided his middle name was better.  It is also to honour your Great Aunt Janice, who died a few months ago.  So, in a small way, you are named for a girl!!  But not really. 🙂

Your Daddy says you have Mummy’s features, but she just doesn’t see it.

Grandma and Pops with the watering can will be here on Wednesday for a nice long visit.  Hopefully you will be home by then.  Or not too long after that.

You being a boy was a bit of a shock to everyone except Mummy, who just had a feeling you were a boy!  Everyone else was positive you were a girl, but Mummy was right!!

The lovely midwife on morning shift has just rung down to see how you are.

You are off the CPAP!!!  So your breathing on your own with a bit of ambient oxygen in the incubator.

Daddy will be here in about an hour and we will go see you.

Well, you are off the CPAP, my child, because you fought it, not because you don’t need it.  It was stressing you out so badly the doctors decided you were better off without it.

However, like a good boy, while Daddy and I were with you, you opened your eyes!  They are very very dark blue.  Mummy doesn’t know if they’ll stay that way, but she hopes so!

Oh, and your hair is definitely black.  So Mummy’s hair and Daddy’s eyebrows and eyelashes!

The Docs say that there are 3 things you need to do to come home: –

  1. Slow down your breathing.
  2. Have more regular blood sugar levels.
  3. Suck on bottle or breast.

Once you have done those 3 things? Home you come!  So get to it! 🙂

Daddy just left.  He and Mummy were with you for about an hour.   Mummy walked down under her own power, so now she can come down any time she wants.

They have stopped your feeding because they were afraid you’d choke, so now you have an IV line in your belly button.  SCBU staff say it doesn’t hurt.

A doctor said your breathing will probably straighten out in 3 – 5 days.  So maybe we’ll know more by Sunday.

Grandma with the pool said to Mummy today, ‘You’re wrong. He doesn’t look like Winston Churchill.  He’s beautiful.’  And you are.

13th June 2009

It would appear that mummy is back to her pre-pregnancy insomnia.  Wide awake at 4am.  She was really hoping to have stopped that!

Mummy’s been thinking about all the things she has already missed.  A midwife named Gillian did your first nappy change.  One named Noeleen tried to do your first feed.  Someone unknown did your first wash.  It makes her sad.

So, she’ll just have to make rituals out of those things once you’re home!  First home bath, first home feed, first home nappy change.

Mummy just got back from seeing you.  Your blood sugar is fine! Your O2 is up a bit because you had a hard night.  And a small fever, but they are not really worried.  They think it is just because your little body is working so hard to get enough O2.

And I take back the even tempered comment.  You were being a big ole cry baby this morning!

We had a bad afternoon when Mummy was down to see you again after lunch and they had turned your O2 up again.  You are very stressed and crying, probably because you are very hungry.  IV with glucose gives you nutrition, it doesn’t fill your empty tummy.  Maybe tomorrow they’ll be able to feed you a bit.

14 June 2009

Went and saw you about 5am.  You had a pretty good night, with about 2ml of formula.  The consultant decided you were to hungry to relax, so a bit of food was allowed.

You were sound asleep from about 3am.  So I watched you sleep for awhile.

Your O2 is 38% and your breathing is getting a bit better.

Mummy feels much better today.  But still hasn’t been able to express any milk.  She is hoping to soon.

Mummy saw you just after her dinner.  Your O2 was at 34% which is the lowest its been!!

Mummy is going home tomorrow.  She wishes you were coming with her.  Maybe on Wednesday.

Mummy is still not getting any milk for you.  She feels a bit like a bad Mummy.  She can’t even touch you right now because it stresses you out.  She knows you are going to be fine, eventually.  She just wishes it was now.

15 June 2009

Mummy is *so* happy.  She made her early morning visit and Pat, the nurse on duty, said “Would you like a treat?”  Mummy was thinking she meant to let Mummy change your nappy.  Nope.

Mummy held you!!!  For about 20 minutes!!!  It was the best ever.

Daddy will be purple with envy.  He’ll get his turn.  Maybe even later today.

You had a good night.  You are on 34% O2 and 2mls of milk.   Your temp is down, your Blood Sugar is fine.  And your breathing is getting better.  We have some progress!!

If your O2 need keeps going down at the same rate, you might be home by the end of the week.  Its gone down 6% since yesterday and needs to go down another 13% to be at normal air.  So really, not that far to go.

In other good news, Mummy’s milk seems to be coming in. So we can get you that soon.

It was such a nice snuggle but, man, are you heavy!!  Mummy, of course, knew that you weighed over 8lbs, but holding 8lbs! Wow! My good hefty boy!

That was as far as I wrote while in hospital with you, my son.  As of this morning you are off your O2 and breathing fine.  Your blood sugar is fine.  Just need to get your temp down and your suck and swallow function up and running!  You’ll be home soon, my son!

Adam Update

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He’s off the O2!!!  He’s eating more.  They are taking down the temp in his incubator.

He’s got a little bit of a fever, so I am glad they went ahead with the lumbar puncture on Monday.  Might have those results back this afternoon.

Mummy is hopeful he’ll be home in just a few more days.

The Birth of Our First Man – Adam

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On Wednesday 10th June 2009 Simon and I headed over to the hospital so I could be admitted in preparation for a scheduled Cesarean Section on 11th June 2009.  We arrived at 2pm and met with an OB and a Midwife who did bloods and such.  I was then taken to a private room (yayayaya!!) and settled in.

About 6 that night a doctor arrived to put an IV point into my arm so I could be started on glucose and insulin first thing in the morning.  She missed the first time and you should see the bruise on the inside of my left arm! She finally got it into my right hand and I was beginning to be ‘wired for sound’.

The next morning Simon came back a little after 8am.  I was washed and in my surgery gown and had the first IV in my hand.  Andrew, the anesthesiologist popped by to talk to me about how a spinal is done and then we waited.

About 9am I was walked down to theatre, IV pole coming along, on the assumption I would be the first CS of the day.  Once we got down there we were told I’d have to wait as they had had an emergency CS brought down from Delivery Suite.  Not a problem!

About 10am they took me back to have my spinal put in.  As they were prepping me a Midwife came in and said they had another emergency, by that since I was already being prepped, it could wait until I was done!!

Part of the prep was another IV line put into my left arm.  That one was missed the first time in my left wrist, so there’s another bruise! That one went into the back of my left hand and I was double ‘wired for sound.’  Saline in the left, glucose and insulin in the right.

They sat me up and a nurse stood in front of me and told me to lean into her.  They washed my back (brrrrrrrrrrrrr) and then gave me a small shot of some sort of numbing agent.  Then it was time.  Nurse told me to totally relax (yeah, sure!) and Andrew stuck a needle into my spine.  Hell yes, it hurt!  But as soon as he was done? Total tingles in my legs.

They lay me back down and the questions started.  ‘Can you wiggle your toes?’ Yup.  ‘Can you bend your leg?’ Yup.  ‘How about now?’ Not if my life depended on it!  Then they ran ice up my side to my breast.  And I was numb from feet to just below my breast bone and Simon was brought in.  He sat next to my head.  And they began.  It was about 10:30a.

At 10:35ish Andrew said, ‘There’s his head!’ And Collette, the Midwife came over to help take him.

‘Is it Adam or Zoe?’ I asked.

Collette said ‘Its Adam!! And he just peed all over you!! Nothing wrong with his waterworks!! Time of birth: 10:36am!!”

Simon went with Collette to watch as he was cleaned and weighed.  Next announcement from Collette: ‘8lbs 10oz!!’

My response? YIKES!

He was then brought to me, but I couldn’t take him due to be so wired, so Simon sat back down and held our son for the first 30 minutes of his life as I looked on and did my best to at least pat him.

They finished stitching me up and took me to recovery and then Adam Jacob was put into my arms for the first time.

We tried to get him to feed but he just wouldn’t open his mouth, so he was laid into his first incubator.  We were then take back up to my room.

When they took his blood sugar a bit later it was 1.6 so they took him to try to get him to eat.  He just wouldn’t so a peadiatrician was called in.  And they told me he’d after to go to SCBU.  I cried.  There I was stuck in bed, not able to move from the waist down and they were taking my baby away.  They then decided to try an incubator in my room. So at least I could look at him!

Daddy Adam and Mummy, Day 1

A few hours later it was decided to bring him to SCBU after all.  His breathing was too fast and his blood sugar was unstable.

I did get to see him that night, in a wheel chair, holding my catheter bag!  I didn’t get to hold him again until yesterday, 15th June 2009.

As of this morning, his O2 is at 22%, which is just 1% above normal air.  He is getting better and stronger every day.  And hopefully he will be home soon.

And…I’m Home…

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Unfortunately without my baby.  He is still in SCBU and probably will be for about another week to 10 days.  His breathing is getting better by the hour, however, it turns out that the babies of Diabetic Mummy’s tend to have suck and swallow issues, so there is some thought that it might be a few days after his breathing is fine until he can come home.

I got to hold him today for the first time since his birth.  It was only for about 20 minutes but it was the best 20 minutes ever.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten the camera!

I will write up his birth story over the next few days, as I know people have been asking about it!  I will also be putting most of his status updates here, rather than repeating them over and over at Facebook and Mumsnet and all the other sites I know people are waiting for news!!

Thank you everyone for your kind words sent through Simon on his birth.  We think he’s pretty darn cool!!

Basic Stats:

Name: Adam Jacob (Adam was his daddy’s mum’s dad’s first name and Jacob was his mummy’s dad’s dad’s middle name) (did you follow that?)

Born: 11th June 2009

Time: 10:36am

Via: C Section

Weight: 8lbs 10oz

Hair: Black on his head.  Blond eyebrows and lashes.

Eyes: Deep dark blue.  Mummy hopes they stay that way!

Length: No idea!  Never been measured!!

First act on this earth? Peeing all over his mama!

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