Feeling Like A Fraud

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I was once part of a discussion on Mumsnet regarding when we all felt like mothers. My answer was that it was the moment they took Adam away from me to put him in an incubator in SCBU. All I wanted was to be with my baby and I couldn’t, least of all because my spinal block hadn’t worn off and I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, never mind get up and walk.

But that’s not entirely true. Because I still have many moments, nearly every day, when I feel like a fraud. That I want to see who is standing behind me when someone calls me ‘Mummy’. Even when that someone is me.

I felt it at least once today, when Adam and I were playing with his new garbage truck, one of many vehicle related gifts Grandma gave him while she was here, and I said to him ‘Hand that to Mummy.’ And I had a moment of ‘Wait. Who? Hand it to who?!?’

I’ve written before about never having a ‘OMG I’m the Mummy’ over the top freak out moment, a la Jamie in the old US sitcom Mad About You. But I seem to have small moments of it through out the day.

Another example is one day when I went to pick Adam up from daycare and half of his class were in the garden and the rest were inside so the nursery staff outside shouted through the window ‘Adam’s Mummy is here!’ I honestly had to stop myself from turning around to see who was behind me.

I liken this feeling to a moment I had, albeit once, after my brother had his first daughter. I was driving somewhere, idly thinking, as you do, and it suddenly hit me; ‘OMG my brother is a father!!!!’ I mentioned to him and he said ‘Yeah, I have that thought a lot!’

11 and half years on I haven’t asked him if he still has that thought or not. If I am going to have these ‘OMG I’m a Mummy!’ thoughts for the rest of my life or if they pass.

I think I’ll ask him. J? You reading this? Do you still have those moments?!?!

My New Boots!!!!

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The saga of the boots started last year when my beautiful Aldo boots barely lasted the winter season. I was not happy, since they were about £60.

Anyone who knows me knows I never spend that much on myself. On Adam? Sure. Simon? Uh huh. Me? I’m happy with a £20 pair of whatever. Simon yells at me as they don’t last, but I just can’t spend that much money on myself.

The Aldo boots were a treat, bought with, I think, our anniversary present money from my mom and a bit I had saved up from other things. I thought, being Aldo, they’d last at least 2 years. It was not to be.

So I have been looking for new boots since the end of last winter, in the sales. One problem, I have, as my friend Jean says, teeny weeny baby feet. A UK size 4 or 5. Tiny. Gone by the time the sales come around.

But when my mom was here in January she offered to buy me a nice pair as a birthday treat, my birthday being in February. So we looked. And looked. And looked. In House of Fraser. In Dunnes. In M&S. In little shops and big. It was not to be. Tons of boots in the sales. None in my size.

And I’ve continued to look as more things went on sale. Nada.

And then mom came back into town. And we talked about boots and how I was going to have to buy them when the new season came out, despite having to pay full price, which killed me. But I need good quality boots for the winter, especially as I walk all over town pushing a pram with a small boy. And mom said the boot offer was still open.

And so we went to Clarks. And they had a few left from last season. Didn’t fit. New boots weren’t in yet though.

And then mom went to Ecco to look at shoes saw they had some boots. And so we went back, even though I think Ecco shoes are ugly.

And I found MY BOOTS!

They are comfortable, they fit. The even look good!

And so I have boots.

Thanks mom!

Had A Date Today

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It was with my husband. I’m not having an affair or anything. 🙂

My mom took care of Adam and Simon and I went and saw Captain America.

I didn’t expect to like it, as I am not a comic book fan, but it was the only thing Simon wanted to see and I had no preference. However, it was excellent. Full of action, adventure, good story and good acting.

We, here in the land where Joss Whedon is king god, we are looking forward to The Avengers very much. And now more than ever.

Also? Chris Evans is very cute.

Tommy Lee Jones, however, looks like he’s been ill.

And, Marvel comics needs to learn the difference between possessive and plural in their end credits. Not “PA’s” but “PAs”, for example.

Finally, stay to the end of the credits. Trust me on this. 🙂

Interestingly, This Post Has Pictures…

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Today my mom and I cleaned my kitchen. From top to bottom. Front to back. Side to side.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take before pictures. But I got some afters!

The gleaming stove and back splash: –

The gleaming sink: –

And the defrosted (heh, remember that?) freezer!!!

Then we had sushi for lunch. It was a good day! 🙂

Hey! Thanks For The Blog Post Topic!

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Due to a variety of stupid (a word I never use, but this was) and asinine posts on Mumsnet last night, my Twitter feed exploded.

A new member of the Mumsnet bloggers network decided she needed to introduce herself by announcing that everyone of course knew who she was (never heard of her) and that she’d be happy to help all us poor, new, ignorant bloggers learn how to blog. O_o

It didn’t go down well and I started the push back.  She got my back up. And I said so. I didn’t call her names. I didn’t do anything but be my usual honest self.

And then the Twitter attack followed. I had hidden the thread because once the arguments start going in circles I get bored and move on and yet her and her followers decided to take the conversation to another medium. And attack me. I have been called a bully, told I should be ashamed of myself and other things.

I went to bed. I did say I wouldn’t remember any of this by today, which of course was hyperbole to show how much I didn’t care. And I don’t care.

But one person’s form of attack was to Tweet that someone should teach me how to add pictures and a ‘good header’ to my site. And that made me laugh (have you heard of my company? No? Designed To A Tee? We do graphics. Including internet ones. I own it.).

Anyway, that one I responded to. Because while pictures are nice, they are hardly required. Oh and I like the design of my blog. Or I’d change it.

And I was told blogs need pictures.

Okay then. Tell me…what picture would you use when writing about fibro? Or diabetes? Or Depression? Or this post right here?

Writing about my son? Okay, maybe a picture would be nice. But I don’t just write about my son.

I write about me. And sometimes me is not graphical.

Even if I am a graphic artist.

PS I have asked MNHQ for some clarification as to what the network is for. I thought it was for the MN community along with some ‘famous’ bloggers to give it umph. I didn’t know they were inviting random bloggers to join. I haven’t heard anything back yet, but I may be dropping off the network as it is apparently not what I thought it was. I also may not. I’ll keep you posted.

Grandma Is A Big Hit

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A small boy has never had so.much.fun! Walks and shopping and walking and holding hands and playing on the floor and dinner out and playing and the park and tomorrow a picnic!

We also have new toys and clothes and have eaten very very well, including nearly an entire plate of spaghetti Bolognese at Pizza Express tonight.

Mummy has gotten to relax and do some work and get some sleep and is going to do some cleaning on Thursday.

We are going to be very very sad to see Grandma go.

But we still have a week!!!

My Mother Is Sitting Next To Me

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So I can’t say certain things. Not really, but it made her go ‘humph’ in that Mummy way Mummies do when their children are being cheeky.

She’s quite good at it, having been a Mummy for 44 years this past April. Also Step-Mummy to 4 others and Grandma to 10. She has the Mummy ‘humph’ down very well.

She had a long and tiring journey (she just corrected a typo, BTW. Cheeky Mummy!!) but the only delay was between London and Belfast, so that’s not so bad.

She came bringing many gifts, including enough sweat pants to last Adam until he graduates University. Not quite, but close!

Also two boxes of Grape-Nuts, a box of Saltines and enough zip-lock bags to last another 10 months, which is when she comes back.

She also brought, from her trip to Africa, a gorgeous handmade Christmas Tree ornament, a hand carved Elephant for my collection (I don’t think I’ve written about my elephant collection…) and a hand carved giraffe spoon. We won’t talk about the Chinese bottle cover because it is, frankly, a bit disturbing. 🙂 (Yes, she’s still sitting right here!)

A little boy had about 1 hour of big eyed staring and then was all over Grandma, showing her toys, doing puzzles, running up and down the hall with hugs included and just being himself. Once a week Skyping is very good for letting little boys get to know their far flung Grandmothers and vice versa.

We have many and varied plans for the next 12 days including a day of just me and her and some shops, at least one day at the zoo, and as many trips to the park as a little boy can handle.

Simon will be off work for the 2nd week she’s here so he’ll get to join in the fun as well.

My step-dad, as previously noted, did not come with her. I imagine that the second he left her at the airport he headed for the supermarket and bought all the foods he’s not normally allowed to eat, including Ben and Jerry’s in a variety of flavours.

So I may not be blogging much the next 2 weeks or so.

I’ll be too busy having fun!

I Am Wondering Where It Was

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I learned to cook.

I honestly have no idea.

I was thinking about this tonight as I put meatballs together for dinner. I know where the recipe is from (The Silver Spoon). I even know what changes I have made from that recipe to get to the meatballs I am serving tonight.

But where did I learn how to finely mince garlic with a knife? How to chop an onion in pieces using the shape of it to help?

I know some of it was from watching cooks on TV, Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet for one. I had no idea he died. RIP. Or that he was accused of sexually abusing young boys. But I did like watching his show. Especially when Elmo was on.

But the rest of it? Knowing how to change a recipe to suit my (and now my family’s taste)? I have no memory.

I suppose my mom taught me some of it. She’s a very good cook. And my brother, he cooks gourmet and is fussy to the point of throwing things away if he thinks they aren’t up to his standards. I often think he should have opened a restaurant.

I do love to cook. From recipes. From memory. From cookbooks and TV shows and, now, the internet and my iPhone.

With my mother visiting what to cook is in my head. She will make chicken soup with matzoh balls at least once. And I’ll get her to make a meatloaf (Simon likes hers more than mine. Fact.) one night. But what else shall we have?

For her first night I am making my ‘dinner party’ meal of Chicken Casserole (also from Silver Spoon), stuffed courgette (a recipe I actually got from her and tweaked) and garlic mashed potatoes. However, my mother cannot have alcohol of any sort since her pancreas attack of a year ago June so Chicken Casserole will be made with stock rather than wine. I hope it’s as good. I’ll let you know.

She has requested my Shepherd’s Pie and my Paella, so I’ll make both of those, with an alternate for Adam on Paella night. He hates Paella. Fact.

I wonder what else I should cook…

 

That Old Shaky Feeling

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Tonight as Adam was being cranky and crabby and clingy I suddenly felt weak and dizzy and sick. And I realized I was having a hypo.

I haven’t had a hypo since my pregnancy when I was on insulin. Hypos are very unusual on metformin, which is what I take now. As it’s not an insulin replacement but an insulin enhancer it doesn’t do what actual insulin does. It helps the insulin you have work better so, theoretically, your body should still be producing, with metformin’s help, just the right amount of insulin to cover what you ate. Just like a non-diabetic.

So what happened? I have no idea. I’ve started back on my eating plan so I know that I ate enough at lunch. Some rolls, some soup, a yellow pepper, 1/2 an apple and 1/2 a nectarine (Adam likes the first bite or 2, then I eat the rest). In fact, with the rolls and the fruit I probably had too many carbs at lunch.

I didn’t check my blood so I don’t know for sure that I was hypo but it certainly felt like it. One second I was a bit hungry and the next I was shaking and feeling a bit fuzzy.

I have been thinking about talking to my diabetes team about reducing my metformin anyway as my numbers have been consistently good. Oh I get the occasional highish number but they are getting rarer. It helps that I am continuing to lose weight.

So why was I hypo at 5pm?

No idea.

But next time, if there is a next time, I will check my blood and remember that some orange juice is the best cure.

Or, my actual preferred method during my pregnancy, a Mars Bar. 🙂

Oh My…I’m “Officially” Frank!

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As in honest, not as in I’m changing my name!

As I’ve mentioned before, I am now a member of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network. As such I have a listing on their Bloggers Network Page. My listing says:

“Tee is a graphic designer, an expat and an older mum with a young child. Follow her frank blog on working and parenting, while dealing with chronic pain and mental health issues.”

See? Frank. Officially.

OH THE PRESSURE!

🙂