The Things I’ve Lost

because of my chronic pain: –

• Shopping all day long. Now shop ’till you drop means about an hour, two if I’m lucky.
• Fountain pens. Can’t hold any sort of pen for long now. Writing on the computer just isn’t the same.
• Beautiful notebooks. No point in having beautiful notebooks if you can’t write in them.
•  FM heels. I haven’t worn a heel higher than about an inch in about a decade.
• Dancing the night away. Only if I want to not move for two days afterwards.
• Working full time. I do miss it, sometimes. Having an actual job in an actual office. Not that I don’t love working for myself, I do. But it would be nice to have more money. But that would mean more work. Which I can’t do.
• Playing on the floor with my son. Lately my leg has been so bad (Ortho referral being waited on. Again.) that I can’t even sit in the bean bag chair for long. Makes it hard to help him lay out the 1,000 pieces of train track he got for Christmas.
• A full nights sleep for more than one night in a row. I honestly don’t remember when I’ve felt rested for more than a few hours. I get one good night and then four or five bad in a row. And I can’t exactly nap in the afternoons. Except on the weekends.
• The knowledge that doing something today won’t mean I can’t do anything tomorrow. Especially if I sleep badly.

What brought on this maudlin post? The fact that I’ve been awake since 0345, again, after several nights in a row when I appear to have slept all night but didn’t feel like I did, so I must have been at least partially waking up every night. Most likely brief bouts of awakeness, if not awareness, when I’ve rolled onto my bad leg.

And the fact that Simon is away to Dublin until very late tomorrow night. So no rest for me. Adam is at daycare for a half day today, I need to go get him in about 45 minutes and then, of course, tomorrow is Saturday. He has his class in the morning, so we’re out of the house by just before 10. I may get some ‘sitting around doing nothing’ rest if he sleeps tomorrow, but won’t get a sleep in the afternoon myself because the grocery order is due and I have some work to finish.

So I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. Okay?