Well…over 13 months.
Anyway, as Adam and I gear up for our next big adventure, him starting day nursery and me having free time away from him on a regular basis, I’ve started to reflect on the past year.
As this year has gone by there have been some truly horrible moments. Moments when I’ve sat crying, Adam in my arms, exhausted, overwhelmed, aching with arthritis and fibro and depression, knowing Simon wouldn’t be home from work for hours. Knowing that I couldn’t even call him and ask him to come home early because he told me about a big meeting or he’s teaching at a far away campus. And wondering if I was the most selfish person in the world for having a baby with all my health issues, both mental and physical.
So I asked my sister, was I? Was I incredibly selfish to have Adam?
And she was, as always, brutally honest. She said, you well know that I had reservations and worries when you got pregnant. That your brother and I were both worried about your mental health and physical health issues. And you know what? We worried for nothing. You are a wonderful mother. Adam is thriving. Your company is taking off. So, no. You were not selfish to have Adam. You wanted a baby and you had a wonderful one.
And I cried. And I cry as I write this. Because saying it out loud was hard enough.
Finding out I was wrong? Was even harder.
Because it showed me something I’ve never wanted to believe about myself. I am just like everyone else in the world. I have doubts. I am, at times, hard on myself.
And I hate that. I hate that I care what others think sometimes. I hate that I question my ability to be Adam’s Mummy.
Because Adam is indeed thriving. Not just because he’s 31 inches tall and weighs 28 pounds. But because he’s starting to talk. And walk. And feed himself. So he doesn’t talk English and he stumbles and the spoon is usually up side down?
He’s learning.
And so’s his mum.
Wonderful entry. I love you.