I was once part of a discussion on Mumsnet regarding when we all felt like mothers. My answer was that it was the moment they took Adam away from me to put him in an incubator in SCBU. All I wanted was to be with my baby and I couldn’t, least of all because my spinal block hadn’t worn off and I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down, never mind get up and walk.
But that’s not entirely true. Because I still have many moments, nearly every day, when I feel like a fraud. That I want to see who is standing behind me when someone calls me ‘Mummy’. Even when that someone is me.
I felt it at least once today, when Adam and I were playing with his new garbage truck, one of many vehicle related gifts Grandma gave him while she was here, and I said to him ‘Hand that to Mummy.’ And I had a moment of ‘Wait. Who? Hand it to who?!?’
I’ve written before about never having a ‘OMG I’m the Mummy’ over the top freak out moment, a la Jamie in the old US sitcom Mad About You. But I seem to have small moments of it through out the day.
Another example is one day when I went to pick Adam up from daycare and half of his class were in the garden and the rest were inside so the nursery staff outside shouted through the window ‘Adam’s Mummy is here!’ I honestly had to stop myself from turning around to see who was behind me.
I liken this feeling to a moment I had, albeit once, after my brother had his first daughter. I was driving somewhere, idly thinking, as you do, and it suddenly hit me; ‘OMG my brother is a father!!!!’ I mentioned to him and he said ‘Yeah, I have that thought a lot!’
11 and half years on I haven’t asked him if he still has that thought or not. If I am going to have these ‘OMG I’m a Mummy!’ thoughts for the rest of my life or if they pass.
I think I’ll ask him. J? You reading this? Do you still have those moments?!?!
I still have them (8 years on….). I”m guessing it’ll just get weirder when my kids grow up and reproduce!
These days it more like “OMG I have an 11 year old daughter! And an 8 year old! ” I’m pretty used to the idea that I’m a dad, but can’t get over how *long* I’ve been a Dad.
I still think it – and my eldest is 14. (I used to LOVE Mad about You BTW)
I am more like Jeff. Where did the years go, how can I have a 9 year old daughter. And a 7 year old son.
When I came home from hospital with her all those years ago, I kept forgetting she was there, walking into the bedroom to fetch something and wakening her by switching on the ceiling light. It took weeks before I stopped doing it, and it made me feel so guilty. How COULD I forget my own daughter?