dirty nappies, crying for no reason, exhaustion worthwhile? An almost 4 week old baby asleep on your chest.
Category Archives: Personal
*whew*
My boy is back home and settling back into his routine. That means eating every 2 – 3 hours. And poohing every 2 – 3 minutes. 🙂
I’m settling down as well, although last night was horrid. Kept having nightmares that I dropped him on our tile floor, rather than the wood laminate, and he lay bleeding on the floor. Led to a lot of leaping up to check he was breathing. Not a good way to sleep.
He was a bit unsettled as well and actually woke up twice during the night, which he usually doesn’t do. Perhaps he was having nightmares about flying through the air and landing hard. Poor wee dote.
But we are both settling down now. Its good to have him home.
A Very Public Thank You
My mum and step dad left today after being here for 16 days. They arrived a few days after Adam’s birth.
Their arrival was fraught with some anxiety, for me and for mum. We have had a less than perfect relationship over the years. A relationship that, at times, consisted of nothing but shouting and swearing and slamming of doors. A relationship of worry and anxiety and my mental illness and her anxiety on top of it. It was pretty horrid, actually.
So we were both anxious about her being in my space, with my husband and my brand new baby for 16 days. And I had sent her an email to that effect before she arrived, reserving the right to send her to a hotel if it got to be too much. And she reserved that right, right back.
Instead, when she left this morning, we were both crying. So sad to have her leaving. She was sad to be leaving Adam, for sure, as they definitely bonded over the last 16 days. But also sad to be leaving me. The daughter I think she finally saw as a competent grown up with a great marriage and the best baby in the world.
So I wanted to say thank you. Thank you mum for: –
- Walking into my flat and immediately cleaning the outside of my toaster and letting me tease you for it for the next 16 days (who cleans the outside of the toaster???).
- Cleaning both of my bathrooms. Twice.
- Doing the laundry. Over and over.
- Creating a great changing pad for Adam.
- Buying two adorable Winnie the Pooh prints for his room.
- Sacrificing a nights sleep so Simon and I could both get one good night.
- Taking me to see the Vagina Monologues.
- Respecting my wishes when I asked you to stop saying how good it was for me to not be able to breast feed, due to my lack of exhaustion. It still hurts, and you respected that.
- Dragging Step Dad out of the flat when you knew Simon and I needed some space.
- Buying lots of wine.
- Telling me that you are proud of me, proud of my partnership with my husband, and how much you adore my son.
I love you mum. Can’t wait to see you again.
I Will Never Play the Game
‘don’t drop the baby.’ That is when you hold the baby in your arms and sort of let it slide down your front while saying ‘uh oh, don’t drop the baby!!’ My oldest niece loved that game when she was about 1!
Why won’t I play it? Because I actually did drop Adam yesterday at around 1915. He’s in the hospital. He cracked his skull a little bit.
He’s fine, really, just in for observation and some scans and hopefully will be home tomorrow.
But I dropped him. One second he was in my arms, the next he was on the floor, crying.
Intellectually I know he is fine. Emotionally I feel like the worse mum ever.
I have now heard what seems like 100s of dropped baby stories from friends and relatives.
Doesn’t really make me feel better.
I.Dropped.My.Baby.
Poor wee dote. 23 days old, been in hospital 11 of those days.
I just want my baby home for good. No more accidents, okay?
First Call to GP!!
Adam had started to pooh BRIGHT green. I looked that up on the internet, and it said not to worry. Then there was some mucus as well. So I rang the GP.
I could hear the ‘Oh God, another first time mum panicking’ in the GPs voice, but he was very nice and assured me it was fine. Nothing to worry about. But if it was still that way on Monday, to call and they’d see him.
Hey, I think one call in 3 weeks is not so bad!!!
I just wish my GP, who is also Adam’s, had been in. She wouldn’t have had that in her voice. And she’d be so pleased to hear about him.
Okay, So…
I have joined the irrational worry mummy’s club. The dues are low, but the stress is high. 🙂
You see, I put Adam to bed around 2300 last night. And woke up myself at 230 in a blind panic because he hadn’t woken up. Cue much frantic feeling of tummy for breathing. He was fine, just asleep. Mummy was then awake for several hours. Adam woke up for food at 4am. I could have slept for 4.5 – 5 hours in a row! Silly mummy.
And then wouldn’t settle all morning, except in my arms. My mum finally took him after lunch and I got 3 hours of sleep. And now daddy is home looking after him. Because he wouldn’t settle for my mum either.
Just another day with a newborn!!
First Truly Bad Day with Adam…
He just would not settle any where but my arms all.day.long. Not in his Amby, not in his cot, no where. Man do my arms hurt. And I am very tired.
I’ve just gotten him to lie down for the first time all day without being in someone’s arms.
I am sure there will be many many more days like today. He is, after all, only 2 weeks and 1 day old. But I think the first one is the hardest.
Really, people have been having babies for millions of years. Shouldn’t they come with instruction manuals by now? 🙂
Some Responses and Other Stuff…
Hazel – That is actually a cardi the SCBU had. I have no idea if it was actually hand knit!
Anna – Various people were being very agressive about getting my milk to come in. But Adam is thriving on Cow and Gate. And that’s all that matters.
In other stuff…I just found out that a very good friend of mine, an ex-lover in fact, died last year. Ron and I were together for about a year. He was 26 years older than me. He was a gentleman through and through.
RIP Ron. You will be missed. And BTW, in case you missed it…I had my fat happy baby.
In About 40 Minutes From When I Write This Sentence
Adam will be exactly 2 weeks old.
So, how’s he doing?
Very well.
He’s eating well, he’s sleeping 2 – 4 hours at a stretch, he’s awake and alert for about an hour in between.
He’s gaining weight.
He’s getting cuter by the second!
He is mummy and daddy’s wee dote.
I’ll have some new pictures up soon!!
Breastfeeding…
So, I wanted to breastfeed my son. Not just because of all of the ‘breast is best’ propaganda around these days, but because it seems like a lovely way to feed a baby. All that snuggling and skin on skin contact while giving my son his very best start, what could be bad with that?
So from the start, my very first appointment with a midwife, they asked me how I intended to feed my baby. And I always answered, with no hesitation ‘breast’. I knew there could be issues, that the art, if you will, of breast feeding has been lost some where along the way but that millions of women were doing it. And I really wanted to.
And then he was born. And wouldn’t even do a first feed in recovery due to his breathing. And then he taken away from me within hours to be put in SCBU. So I started hand expressing and did get a few milliliters of colostrum for him. Which he took through a tube.
And then I got an electric pump while I was in hospital. And I hooked myself up, every 3 hours, including round the clock. And still only got a few drops.
So I started on the wives tales. Fennel Tea. Lactation Cookies. More expressing. Sitting looking at him. Smelling him.
And still I never expressed more than about 10 ml every 3 hours. Not even close to enough to feed my hungry son, who by the end of his first week was up to 60 – 90 ml (90 ml is about 3 oz) every 3 – 4 hours. My milk has just never come in.
And so I made the decision. Cow and Gate via bottle. I cried and agonized over this decision. I fretted and worried. What kind of mother can’t feed her son?
And then I realized I could feed my son. I know formula isn’t the same as breast milk, no matter what it says on the tin. But its keeping his tummy full. And he is very healthy, according to the Health Visitor who was around yesterday. And he’s content (well, as content as an 11 day old baby ever is 🙂 ).
What really angers me is other people’s reactions. I’m sorry if to you I’m not a complete Mummy because I am not breastfeeding. But when eating time becomes a battle of wills? Not good for Mummy or Baby.
And it angers me the lack of support that some women show other women for their choices. For their failures, if you will. There are no pefect mummies. Everyone makes choices for their children. And all over the world women judge other women for those choices.
And the judging is not just over breast versus bottle. Its disposable versus reusable. Public school versus home schooling. Free Range versus total watching.
And none of these issue, and many others, have a right or a wrong answer. And yet we all judge each other about them every day. And it needs to stop.
We are all mummies together. We all have one common goal, to raise our kids to be the very best human beings they can be, or I hope that is the overall goal for all mummies. I know it is my goal!
And if it isn’t your goal? I can respect that. And support you in that.
Can you do the same for me?